The annual report into the most popular children’s names of the past 12 months has been released by The Office For National Statistics. It has found that Olivia was top for girls and Oliver was numero uno for the boys. Inevitably there was some disquiet amongst the comments on the Guardian story from people concerned by the prevalence of Muhammed and its various forms. Of course these contributors are voicing a valid issue in Britain today complete fucking idiots. There are a lot of Muslims in Britain, get over it. To me, it’s far more concerning that 1524 girls were called Brooke (future pornstars), and there are a staggering 3729 toddlers who vaguely respond to Ethan. Is the only naming inspiration for modern parents coming from the cast list of Lost? I’m chuffed that Craig is nowhere to be seen, and that if I do knock someone up, Rosalie and Albert aren’t either. Yay for exclusivity! And yay for not being called Number 16 Bus Shelter.
A few blogs ago I wrote about the Greater Manchester Police experiment, that aimed to use Twitter to show what the police do all day. I’m sure beating the shit out of men who have been stabbed in the head wasn’t what they had in mind. Darren Grace got the Liverpool fuzz treatment (about 20 seconds in):
Now, I obviously don’t know the circumstances behind the video, but it looks a damn sight like bang-to-rights police brutality to me. And that’s hardly going to be positive for the image of the police. All that work on Twitter, and some halfwit thug in a uniform ruins it all. Such is life.
Wordle
I love these things, and then I found out how to make them. Here’s one for my blog:
Not as much fucking swearing as I would've twatting thought
Picking out the big words, you see football, miners and police. That’s funny, because if you did a wordle for my as yet untitled 70s porno epic, you’d see the same thing.
BP isn’t particularly popular right now, you know, after that big clusterfuck in the Gulf of Mexico. News that they are funding Tea Party candidates in the upcoming US midterm elections is not going to help their image. That is, unless you’re as misguided and irrational as Tea Party. It seems BP are donating to climate change deniers – it certainly would be convenient for the massive oil company if they had that little debate silenced for a while. Could this also be a slight retaliation against Barack Obama? After all, Obama’s anti-BP rhetoric bordered on vitriol. It seems BP deserved it though. The Tea Party are as crude and dirty as the wetlands of Louisiana. They’re good for each other.
Meerkunt
What is wrong with the world? People are reading fewer books, and yet one that is expected to sell well is the memoir of a marketing campaign. As if the meerkat ads weren’t annoying enough, now a book is being released. What’s wrong with Roald Dahl, Bret Easton Ellis, Tolkein? Read something real, you sad fucks.
Greatest lap of all?
European Grand Prix, 1993, Donington Park. Ayrton Senna starts 5th, quickly drops a place, and yet by the end of the lap is 1st:
Christmas Pot Noodle
Christmas Dinner. In a pot. Money to charity. Cheesy name – Pot Noeldle. What’s not to like?
In other news
-The Afrikaans for ‘astrology’ is sterrewiggelary.
-Million Pound Drop. Back and brilliant.
-I bloody love Preston.
This was amazing on the train. Chilled me right out:
The days of the American Forces’ Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy look to be numbered, after the military began to accept openly gay recruits. A Californian court ruled DADT as illegal, and although the Obama administration disapproves of the methods, it is seeking to permanently end DADT. Obama doesn’t want to use the courts, and is seeking to abolish DADT via a congressional vote. It’s about time, and while this is by no means the end of DADT, it’s the beginning of.
In a recent attempt to show the public exactly what police life is like, Greater Manchester Police tweeted every 999 call made for 24 hours. Over 3000 calls were made and posted online in a day-long experiment which aimed to show that the police do more than catch murderers and chase burglars. The stunt worked – it was riveting, and reading every single tweet, you really got a sense of the amount of crap the police must deal with. I’m not saying they’re perfect, but neither would anyone be when the thickest skin sacks out there are ringing the EMERGENCY services cause there’s no milk left in the fridge. It’s hardly surprising that some members of the force go looking for (and possibly creating) troublemakers when they’ve spent all day telling people that no, we don’t give lifts home to people who’ve missed the bus. Here are a few of my favourite tweets:
-Call 2737 Man refuses to leave the gym in Hazel Grove.
-Call 1634 Suspicious men carrying a snake, Bolton.
-Call 3003 Reports of four foot doll or robot on Princess Parkway near M56 – officers attend but nothing there.
-Call 1333 Reports of dustbins being moved in Droylsden.
-Call 384 Report of man holding baby over bridge – police immediately attended and it was man carrying dog that doesn’t like bridges.
-Call 3026 Suspicious man wearing cape in Bolton – police attended and no sign of man.
Jon Heder
Napoleon Dynamite is possibly the best film ever made. Soundboard! Jon Heder hasn’t really done anything of note since, but he is hilarious. Here’s a little thing with him in:
Minefest 2010
Every Chilean miner has been rescued, thank God/Buddha/Bob Marley. Now in the aftermath, the Chilean President, Sebastián Piñera, has promised to introduce measures to protect the rights of workers. This has been greeted with cynicism, even by the families of the miners – “here the middle class use miners to make them rich, and at the end the miner dies sick and poor“. Here’s hoping the President uses the boost he has received from the crisis to drive through the promised reforms. All eyes on you, Sebastián.
"When I say TRAPPED, you say NO!" "TRAPPED" "NO" "TRAPPED" "NO"
Unless you’ve been trapped in a mine for two months, you’ll know all about the miners who’ve been trapped in a mine for two months. Slowly but surely the miners have been being rescued over the past day or so, and at the time of writing 24 of them are now safe above ground. There is an all round warm glow to this story – from when the miners were discovered alive, to the togetherness of the group once lines of communication had been established, and then the building of anticipation to the rescuing of the men through a 700m tube. I remember the Kursk disaster, and desperately hoping the trapped submariners would be rescued. Well, this mine story is at the opposite end of the spectrum – all that hope has been released as euphoria. However, this can’t be the end of it. While the sense of national pride in Chile is enormous, questions need to be asked. What went wrong? Is there any person/company/process at fault? And most importantly, how can the mining companies stop a similar, possibly more disastrous situation occurring again? After all, there’s little point rescuing 33 men to put another troop and their families through the same trauma.
They take something amazing, and somehow improve it:
England
Yeah, the result was rubbish. But it isn’t the end of the world, and strangely, it took one of the more jovial football shows, Soccer AM, to offer some perspective. But it could be worse. Only a few years ago, Montenegro used to play alongside Serbia. Since the two nations became autonomous football teams, the Serbians have been by far the stronger team, boasting players like Nemanja Vidic, Dejan Stankovic and Nikola Zigic. However, far right Serb fans caused Tuesday’s match against Italy to be called off after they laid siege to the city of Genoa. This type of hooliganism is a bigger threat to football than any bad tackle or foreign owner could be. Poland and Ukraine are hosting the 2012 European Championships, and both have questionable records when it comes to hooliganism. As a football fan through and through, I hope like South Africa this year all concerns are proved to be just scare-mongering, and not the truth.
Apprentice
Raleigh Addington has left the show after his brother was injured on duty in Afghanistan. However, he did give us the best moment of the series (I honestly can’t see it being topped):
In other news
-Mmmmm, melon and grapes.
-When Reese’s Mini Cups are left anywhere near me, they’re getting eaten.
-I hate how famous and mainstream the miners have become. I liked it when they were a bit more underground.
Insane Clown Posse have slowly been gathering fans for the 20 years or so that they’ve been going. The fans, or so called ‘Juggalos’, have been shocked by the groups admission that all along they’ve been practicing Christians. After all, the lyrics haven’t always conveyed a wholly Christian message. Take ‘Mr. Happy’ (and this was the first song I picked, completely at random):
“I’ll twist and squeeze your neck like a wet noodle/Â cause I’m so happy I’ll stab your ass/Â and lay down next to you dead on the grass/Â and sing/ ooh it feel so good every time I murder I get happy”
Now, the Posse have admitted their faith in a series of songs, including ‘Miracles’, where they declare their amazement at, above other things, magnets and giraffes. The thing is, their amazement isn’t born out of faith. It’s stupidity. Just read the linked article. They bang on about magnets and how incredible they are. It’s simple physics! But they don’t want to listen, because scientists are liars and make them pissed. What about giraffes? Evolution. The thing is, their ultra-violent lyrics are less shocking when you see how little sense they make. When you couple those lyrics with their faith, it just adds up to hypocrisy. So while Insane Clown Posse may trundle along for 20 years more, I think they may just fade into insignificance. Where they belong.
Nigel de Jong
Nigel has broken a couple of legs in his career. Does it make him an evil, killer player? No. Despite that tackle in the World Cup final, I don’t think de Jong sets out deliberately to injure players. Roy Keane has admitted he did. I think de Jong is a ball winning midfielder who makes more tackles than most in a game. His tackle on Hatem Ben Arfa that broke the latters leg was strong but fair, within the rules of the game. He won the ball first, which is the classic justification of any tackle. I do think that de Jong ‘went in hard’, and unfortunately too hard, but this witch hunt that has evolved since the Man City v Newcastle match is ridiculous. de Jong wasn’t needlessly violent, Ben Arfa was unlucky. In a contact sport, that is often the long and short of it. Marseille talking about legal action is completely fatuous. Would they give evidence against one of their own players if they were the leg breaker? Not in a million years. In professional sports, injuries happen. I’m sorry. It’s just the way it is.
And now, the brighter side of football:
And now, the ridiculous side of football (Finsbury Park Ji Sung).
Him and Her
Finishing tonight. It’s been brilliant. And I would give my left arm to live next door to Dan.
The Google blacklist
Google Instant is the next big thing, apparently. It offers results as you type! ‘Cause 1,290,000 results in 0.08 seconds isn’t quick enough. However, if you’re looking for mucky stuff, it stops you. Stuff like ‘adult’, ‘consensual intercourse’, and ‘hairy’. I thought I had a childish, smutty sense of humour! See the full list here – I learnt stuff.
In other news
-There are 62 pieces of Lego for every person on the planet.
Donald Trump is contemplating standing for President. Oh crap. For a start, he’s a Republican, and admirer of the Tea Party movement. He says someone needs to do something about the trillion dollar debt his country faces. The debt that was mainly the fault of the previous administration. The Republican administration. Trump has no qualifications relevant to running a country, and yet he can stick his name into the mix by virtue of his fame and cash. The American political cycle generates new candidates almost the day the new President walks over the White House threshold. Obama was inaugurated on 20th January 2009. Let’s hope it’s not Trump in his place in 2013.
Also, Obama is sharp. Watch how he deals with this little carpentry faux pas:
Jackboots On Whitehall
“Team America meets Inglorious Basterds” – pretty apt. This could be very, very funny:
Ouch
Did nobody think putting a wheelchair next to the pitch was a bit dangerous?
Don’t poke a lion with a stick
Self-explanatory, surely:
In other news
-Dicks are dicks are dicks.
-Steve McClaren should do the patriotic thing and make sure he’s never on the same land mass as the England football team ever again. Please don’t apply for the manager’s job again. PLEASE.
So I get up at 8.30 on Sunday morning. I’m quite prepared to do this, every now and again. Especially when Glastonbury tickets are going on sale. I’m thinking Radiohead, Kanye West, The Rolling Stones, David Bowie, The Strokes, Weezer, Foo Fighters, Phil Collins, Underworld, Tiesto. Luckily, I get tickets for me and Dave. And then U2 rumours start. Now, after this years cancellation it was inevitable, but I hoped that it was a case of the moment passing. Please don’t let it be U2. Glasto can be sanctimonious enough without that spouter of pious hypocrisy banging on from the Pyramid Stage. What’s more, U2 have been pretty rubbish since the 90s, which is about the same time Bono got sunglasses surgically grafted to his stupid peanut head. I hope that the rumours aren’t true. Julian Casablancas et al – Pilton needs you.
An aside – Bill Bailey demonstrates what a technical failure at a U2 gig would sound like:
Politics in North America
The US political system is so twisted and PR driven, that political candidates have to issue denials that they aren’t witches. But then Christine O’Donnell shoots herself in the foot by stating ‘I’m you’. Well, as far as I’m concerned, the only possible way of her being me is polyjuice potion. Ergo, she must be a witch. See for yourself:
Politics in South America
They’re just brilliant. Nowhere else in the world would the President organise a football match against a political foe. Then knee one of the opposition players in the bollocks. Miliband v. Miliband anyone? Here’s the cock shot:
Art
I don’t get it, still. How is being shrinkwrapped art? The ‘artist’, Lawrence Malstaf, says he wants viewers to see “the humanity, the breathing, the gentleness, the beauty”. YOU”RE WRAPPING PEOPLE IN CLINGFILM. How is that artistic?! I really see nothing there, apart from a bizarre stunt akin to putting your head in a plastic bag. Surely there has to be a limit, where it stops being ‘art’ and starts being ‘wank’. Although I’d imagine someone has already tried to pass wank off as art. Methinks I’ll just keep on ignoring it.
I’m all for saving the world. Turning off unnecessary appliances, jumper instead of heating, using both sides of the loo roll. Fossil fuels are running out and like it or lump it, we need to be more energy efficient. With that in mind, the 10:10 campaign was launched at the Tate Modern amid a fanfare of celebrity and aimed at a 10% reduction in carbon emissions by the end of 2010. However, making retarded promos like this will not help the cause:
As the backlash rose and gathered volume, there were attempts to justify ‘No Pressure’ as ‘funny and satirical‘. But it wasn’t. I’m the first to laugh at tasteless humour when it’s funny, but this film is the epitome of shite. It’s not amusing in the slightest, and completely undermines the green movement as well. Plus, for people who can’t be bothered to differentiate the various causes and groups, it makes it easy to bosh them all under the label ‘hippy nutsacks’. It’s sad, because a well thought out, clever film could’ve brought much needed positive publicity for 10:10. As it is, they get called foolish and misguided, and made to look like all the herbal tea has gone to their head. Shame.
Child benefit
The coalition government has announced that it is cutting child benefit for higher rate tax payers. I’m not entirely sure why, but this move has drawn some criticism. Since the Conservative party is often accused of defending the upper classes, this move came out of left field and was a huge surprise. But still, criticism. Let’s not forget – the economy is fucked and the deficit is enormous. This will save £1 billion a year. I’m pretty sure the earners of £44,000+ can shoulder some of the burden to get the economy back on a sure footing.
As an aside, debating this on the C4 news was Louise Bagshawe ,Conservative MP for Corby and certifiable MILF.
Running Wilde
New TV show from those behind Arrested Development:
It doesn’t look as immediate as AD, but I’d still love to see it over here. Will Arnett will always be Gob to me though:
Natural selection
A man in Spain has driven into a reservoir and died, after his GPS told him to. Poor fellow and all, but you would’ve thought that even at night, you might see a reservoir coming, no? Survival of the fittest, some might say?
Tyler Clementi, an American student, has jumped to his death in the Hudson River after being outed as gay on the internet. His roommate Dharun Ravi, and Ravi’s friend Molly Wei colluded to broadcast online Clementi in a sexual encounter with another male in his dorm room. Upon finding out, Tyler saw his only option to be ending a promising life. I’m sure Ravi and Wei hadn’t thought their actions would lead to such tragic consequences, but this is what can happen when mockery descends into outright vile bullying. Coming out must be one of the biggest decisions of any gay persons life – to have this decision taken away from him pushed Clementi over the edge. The breach of trust inflicted upon him is comparable to rape, and should be treated as such. Ravi and Wei deserve years in prison, and will probably have Tyler on their conscience for the rest of their lives. Tyler, rest in peace.
Idiots lining up
Idiot #19 – Myleene Klass. You may or may not be aware of my disdain for Myleene. Andy Almond sure is. Here’s why I hate the day her dad didn’t pull out. She is a press hungry media whore. Her latest ‘story’ is that a massive Hollywood star wanted to shag her, and for her to sign a confidentiality agreement about the act. Conveniently, and probably to deflect the inevitable libel/slander case, Myleene doesn’t name him. I’m 99% sure it’s horseshit. Myleene is trying to flog herself yet again (as if ads for M&S, Pantene and now Dubai weren’t enough). Plus she has prior form in self publicising bollocks. Much sympathy was directed her way after she chased off burglars then was reprimanded by police for brandishing a knife. Except it quite pan out like that. The call to police came from her publicist, ergo, Myleene was so threatened that she rang not law enforcers but story makers. The police denied ever reprimanding her. And who leaked the story to the media? Why, Myleene’s publicity team. Naturally. Myleene, fuck off. We’re fed up of your monumental crap. Lies, lies, lies.
Idiot #20 – Padraig Reidy. Paddy writes on the Guardian website about proposed regulations forcing council workers in Breckland, Norfolk, to clock out for cigarette breaks. Apparently, this news can “only be greeted with dismay”. Yeah, there’s some perspective. Up there with Pakistan floods, deaths in Afghanistan. Poor smokers. He then goes on to justify his habit as being, in part, due to the rigours of a previous job front of house in a restaurant, and the associated stress. Well, to destress I play Xbox. Am I allowed to do this on company time? Am I fuck. Paddy doesn’t disagree with the smoking ban, although apparently, “if we admit it”, it has reduced hospitality in the hospitality industry. Maybe for the 22% of adults who smoke (source – Cancer Research UK), but, if we admit it, it’s increased it for the 78% who don’t, asshat. He then argues that smoking may increase productivity, as someone denied their fag will just be sat at their desk thinking “NEED A FAG. NOW. ARGH”. And there’s the clincher. No. You. Don’t. Noyoudon’tnoyoudon’tnoyoudon’t. No-one needs cigarettes, anymore than they need heroin or alcohol. If I were to disappear every couple of hours for a hasty can of Special Brew I’d be disciplined quicker than you can say “Padraig Reidy, you haven’t got a cancerous lung to cough on”. Your argument is facile and childish, so please, do a Myleene and fuck off.
Idiot #21 – Marc Janko. Janko, an FC Twente player, clocked an elbow from Tom Huddlestone in Wednesday’s Champions League match against Tottenham. Huddlestone was a very naughty boy, but Janko has fucked me off by saying this – “With Huddlestone off and then Van der Vaart (who was sent off later), we would have stolen the three points. It’s sad they needed the ref’s help”. No, that’s not how things work. If Huddlestone had be dismissed, Van der Vaart may have been substituted off for another holding midfielder. He may have been injured in a tackle. He may have scored a hat-trick and won the game for Spurs. There’s no way of knowing, twat. Don’t make cockhanded statements that aren’t true. Now, join Myleene and Padraig whererver they fucked off too.
Rants over.
Hazel Blears
I’ve never liked Hazel Blears. Her, Harriett Harman, Theresa May – there’s something about the current band of female MPs which makes me think of mental cat women rather than rational decision makers. Which is why I love this video where she blatantly lies to the Daily Politics show. See for yourself:
BNP infighting
Whilst there will always be bigots, it pleases me that they can’t get along. Infighting and serious financial issues are destabilising the BNP. I’m not even going to dignify the ignorant wanksocks by naming them. Suffice to say, I hope they rip themselves apart from the inside out and disappear from our attention until the next band of deluded turds crawl out of the cesspit.
Don't you have time to think? 