Nicolas Cage – the perv

Animal sex

Nicholas Cage only eats animals that make love – not those who fuck. “I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex. I think fish are very dignified with sex. So are birds”. This rules out pork, and Kerry Katona (any sex involving her is nasty). Now you may be thinking bullshit (and to be honest, I don’t blame you), but consider Cage’s past form for bucking trends and this bizarre story may actually hold some truth. He dropped his famous film surname of Coppola, and last year turned on Bath’s Christmas lights. But it must be odd to feel hungry, then flick on the Discovery Channel to see what’s shagging gracefully.

Moley moley mole

According to reports today, moles are bad news. Not for the environment, but for us. They dig up farmland, damaging machinery, and make our garden lawns look naff. So we’re killing them. Badgers can transmit bovine TB, so we’re offing a load of them too. Seals eat the fish that we’ve overfished, so they bite the bullet (literally). It’s not right that for a Wimbledon-style patch of grass you can pay someone to kill a mole. It’s not right that because we’re impinging on the badger’s natural habitat they can be killed. It’s not right that to heal the damage we’ve done to fish stocks, 325,000 seals died last year. But there you go, we’re selfish.

Sol Campbell ends up in next week

Vader porn

Many thanks to Matt Guthrie who brought this small bit of genius to my attention:

Next week: Leia and the Ewok Tampon

This is just plain wrong also (don’t worry Sooz – not like last time).

In other news:

-Inside Nature’s Giants and Big Brother are at completely opposite ends of the TV spectrum, and both are brilliant. Sunshine is a total fucktard.

-North Korea just won me a tenner – thanks Kim Jong-Il!

-I like a bit of Olfar:

Right. I’m off to hone my lavatorial sense of humour. Byeee!