And so, the latest victim of the recession is the UK Film Council. After supporting films like Man On Wire, In The Loop and St. Trini… This Is England, and distributing over £160m of National Lottery funding, the Council is to be axed. This is despite an estimated £5 being brought in at the box office for every £1 the Council spent. Quite how the Lottery money will be handed out now is a mystery, but with any luck great British films will still get made. Also, it’s hoped that the cuts will mean that both Danny Dyer and James Corden will never get anywhere near another cinema screen again. Here’s a taster of what we have the Film Council to thank for:
“Shut it, Love Actually!”
BBC website
Either someone posted the wrong picture, or the BBC haven’t looked up mortified in the dictionary:
An unexpected reaction to the death of JLS in a freak fondue accident
President Wyclef
In one of the more bizarre moves towards office of recent years (aside from Manny Pacquiao and Joanna Lumley) Wyclef Jean is contemplating standing for the presidency of Haiti. After the devastation that has hammered the nation, one might argue that an experienced head is needed. However, the flip side is that you could put a polished wank sock in charge of the place and it couldn’t get any worse. The corruption surrounding some of his charity work is worrisome, but if he loves his country, he should go for it! Also, the place would get a load more soulful:
Pink Panther
As if exams weren’t stressful enough, the female reproductive organs look like a big cat:
Now, as a British fan of the Mclaren team who employ two British drivers, I may be slightly biased. However, I think most people with more than a passing interest in Formula 1 will agree that what the Ferrari team did yesterday was pretty despicable. Yes, team orders happen, but for three reasons, this was too much. Firstly, how blatant did they want to make it? Instead of making a fleeting attempt to conceal their actions, they were more flagrant than Pete Doherty, and their barefaced decision denied every fan who paid the extortionate entry fee a true race. Why, if he was so much better, couldn’t Fernando Alonso have passed Felipe Massa under racing conditions? Secondly, it denied Massa the chance of a hard earned win. People may say this is sentimental bullshit, but a year ago, almost to the day, Massa had a horrific freak accident that almost cost him his life, never mind his career. To get back to where he is now is a huge achievement, and shows phenomenal character on his part. Out of all the drivers in that field, he probably wants a win more than any to cement his comeback, and the backroom pricks at Ferrari denied him that. Lastly, they have come out and said “So fucking what? Shit happens“. This is the Ferrari team that within a nanosecond of any whiff of injustice coming their way throw every toy out of the pram, then push the pram off an Italian cliff in a petulant fit of pique. Well, you smarmy Italian bellpieces, and your hypocritical, hypersensitive Spanish wheelman, you can’t have your pannettone and eat it. Pull back and let your drivers do what they do best – race.
Pixar
Toy Story 3 has hit our cinemas, and while I’m not a huge fan of their films, they are pretty smooth operators. Have a gander at this video if you don’t believe me:
Big Brother
Andrew is the mutt’s nuts. His secret task was brilliant, he gets involved and when he was presented with a meal for being successful he was priceless. Big Brother: “Would you like some female company?” Andrew: “Always!” Andrew to win.
Shard of Glass
We’re involved in this. Cool as fuck:
Where I want to live, or what I want to shove up Jordan's arse
It was never going to be like watching Einstein having a casual chat with Stephen Hawking. But the vacuous dishcloths in there might make it unwatchable. I’ve been loving it so far, but the characters who were interesting are being drowned out. It seems that people like Corin and Rachel are 23% make-up and 77% “Ohmygod!!!”. Shut up you harpies.
Crazy foreigners
New Sherlock
It’s surprisingly good. I was predisposed to not liking it as a) I hate BBC dramas like Doctor Who and b) the guy playing Sherlock is horrifically posh. I mean, honestly, his name is Benedict Cumberbatch! But, it was actually pretty engaging, and despite wiping his arse on fox hide, Benedict plays a convincing Sherlock. It looks like it could be better than Guy Ritchie’s Bourne-cum-Holmes, even though that had the best actor alive in it, Robert Downey Jr. And Martin Freeman is a perfect fit for Watson. Good on the Beeb!
No-one will be prosecuted in the case of Ian Tomlinson. I say this again, as it is scarcely believable – not one criminal charge, however minor, will be brought in the latest case of police brutality in the UK. On April Fools Day, 2009, Tomlinson was shoved to the floor by an officer who was concealing his identity under a balaclava. Minutes later he died. A manslaughter charge was rejected due to the two conflicting postmortems (incidentally, the pathologist who conducted the first examination is being investigated by the GMC for allegedly unsafe findings in four other postmortems). A criminal assault charge was rejected due to too much time having elapsed from the incident – a charge must be brought within six months. No misconduct charges were sought either.
The Guardian published the first video of the assault on April 7th, 2009. Why on God’s green earth did it take til now to decide on charges? There was ample evidence in the video of an assault, and I’ll bet my bollocks that if you, me, Ian Tomlinson or any other member of the public pushed over a police officer on camera, charges would be immediate. I can see why the manslaughter charge would be tough to gain a conviction for. Did Tomlinson have a pre-existing condition that contributed to his untimely death? Maybe. But to wallow about in paperwork, investigations and inquiries for over a year and then blame the fact that you’ve been sat on your hands for a criminal getting away with it? It’s inexcusable. It’s open mockery of the laws the police are supposed to uphold. It’s wrong.
Car crash TV
This is a monster of a crash:
Loving a comment left by the excellently named Wenutz – “I bet the track wasn’t the only thing with skid marks…”
Idiot #14
Emma Czikai, you halfwit bumwhiff. You went on Britain’s Got Talent, and found it thus – “This programme makes a select number of rich people very very rich on the backs of the ordinary man and woman in the street through exploitation, humiliation, degradation and a reemergence of modern-day barbarism with all its inherent cruelty”. No shit love. That is no reason for your frivolous lawsuit of £2.5m against the program. You knew what to expect when you went on the show. You weren’t very good. And yet you have the audacity to ask for £300,000 for injured feelings, and a cool £1.25m for loss of future earnings. Fuck off. You have as much talent as Jordan’s toenails. You don’t deserve £1.25, you deserve explosive diarrhea. Stop singing, stop wasting people’s time and for God’s sake, stop thinking that you’re anything more than another deluded, talentless bag of skin.
The Cove
Watched this Tuesday night:
It’s harrowing, and just as bad as the Mugabe documentary I wrote about. 23,000 dolphins are killed in Japan a year, something which I find really uncomfortable as I love dolphins and I love Japan. But despite my feelings for the country, there is absolutely no excuse for the barbaric slaughter of the dolphins in Taiji. Towards the end of the film, there is an aerial shot of the cove where the killing takes place, and the sea is completely red with blood. The dolphins aren’t even killed humanely, as one official claims. They are repeatedly stabbed with spears and left to thrash to death in the water that is saturated with their own blood. Fucked up. Needs to stop. End of.
Now there is no doubt that the atmosphere was extremely tense, and intimidating for those officers assigned to policing the event. Some will also argue that Tomlinson should’ve kept himself away from the area and it’s tinderbox atmosphere. However, I would say that regardless of the situation, a man who is not looking for trouble should be able to walk home from work safely. And no matter how pressurised and threatened the police felt, there is no justification for striking an unsuspecting, defenceless and totally innocent man. Add to this the fact that the police changed their story from one of self defence to guilty party (worryingly reminiscent of the Jean Charles de Menezes case), plus the above video evidence, and it would seem that there is definitely a case to answer. What the charge is remains to be seen. Manslaughter may be difficult to prove, although in my unqualified opinion, this should be what the CPS look to. Tomlinson died of an abdominal haemorrhage – did the officer who pushed him down bring this on? Again, I have no legal or medical qualifications, but it would certainly appear so. However, like I say, proving that may be difficult. But if the as yet unnamed officer escapes without even an assault charge, then we will know that there are people above the law, and when those are the people supposedly enforcing it, it is an extremely alarming situation. Who knows when the next Ian Tomlinson, or Jean Charles de Menezes will die? Someone needs to answer for the crimes committed, no matter what their occupation.
Donkey
Further donkey news! “This is a little town and we all know that donkey well” said a local. Well, this changes things. If I had known yesterday the donkey was a loved member of the community, I would not have been so flippant about his plight. Let’s get the donkey baiters in court! Evil fuckers.
How people get here
A good thing about my little blog here. On my dashboard, it tells me what search terms people have used to get the blog. One of the latest ones – ‘justin bieber is a fucking twat who needs to get a fucking life and looks like a big pile of cow shit”.
Twilight
It would be so much better if this was the case:
Edward Cullen has AIDS.
Why people hate football
Because a lot of footballers are cunts. Franck Ribery and Karim Benzema both paid for sex with a prostitute, who may have been under 18 at the time. While prostitution is legal in France, paying for sex with a minor is not. Both of them deny any wrongdoing. Er, guys, regardless of her age, you fucked a hooker. Ribery, you’re married with two kids. Legally, maybe no wrongdoing. Morally, you’re cunts. And that’s why people hate football.
Tony Nicklinson is trapped in his body. After a massive stroke, he can’t function without care – “I have no privacy or dignity left”. He wishes he died when he first fell ill in Athens five years ago. However, because he physically can’t kill himself, he can’t end his life. His wife, or another appointed party, would have to kill him, almost certainly resulting in a murder charge. Nicklinson’s mind is fully functioning, and it is his choice to die. But our laws stop this. It is my belief that, as he wishes, he should be allowed to die in his home with his loved ones rather than in a clinic in Switzerland. Call me moribund, but what’s worse – allowing a sane man to choose to end a life that has become misery, or condemning him to a life imprisoned in his own body?
Another desperate attempt to banish Kerry Katona to the moon fails.
According to the Beeb, the donkey was made to parasail in an advertising ploy to attract people to a private beach. The donkey was shit scared, so the story goes. Well, so would I be, if it was the first time I’d been parasailing. But I bet I’d be buzzing for another go after. Get that donkey back up there, and I’m sure he’ll love it! If he doesn’t, then he’s an Eeyore.
Twilight is puerile fungal bobbins
I watched the first one. It was ok. But fuck me, it has been marketed to death. Here, see how similar Twilight and Volvo are:
I really hope Volvo sell not one more car because of this shitty crass plugging. In fact, it would be poetic justice if a Volvo carrying some ‘Twihards’ (dear God, it pained me to write that) crashed on the way back from Cineworld one night, and all that was discovered in the morning was five wolf-dismembered corpses. NOM NOM NOM.
Mercury Music Prize
This years nominations are out. Popular vote will be for Dizzee Rascal, but I want The xx to win. That album is a triumph.
Fabio Capello, England manager has leant his name (probably for a lot of cash) to a ratings website for footballers. Excuse mon français, but sofuckinwhat? It was already postponed after the FA thought it might damage morale. Erm, not beating Algeria tends to have that effect. Now it’s online, despite attempts to have it withdrawn. And surprise, surprise, English players don’t come out so well. Well, there’s a shock. Did we expect to log on and see John Terry with 98%? Only if the rating was “Out of 100%, how much of a wanker is John Terry”? No England player should be stunned to see a bad score on the site. I mean, if the site was the Capello Fitty Index, would Wayne Rooney be stunned to see himself rated lower than a poisoned goat’s knee? No. Neither would he be at finding out online he didn’t play all that well in South Africa. And please, media-types, stop getting uppity about the Capello Index. Your pages and papers slagged the players off for playing shit. Then they slagged the players off for going on holiday (HOW DARE THEY HAVE A HOLIDAY IN THEIR TIME OFF? England players should all be drowning in the tears of disappointed children while weighed down under immigrants). Now they are slagging off a website for slagging off the players. Make your mind up you sanctimonious merkins.
Idiot #13
Gillian McKeith. I will not call you a doctor because you’re not a doctor. I will call you an idiot because you are one. Idiot Gillian McKeith had a twitter go at Ben Goldacre, author of the excellent Bad Science series of blogs and books. Then she tried to hide it. Badly. So, Idiot McKeith, you’ve turned into one of those poohs you so rejoice in analysing. Unlucky, Idiot McPooh.
Virginity
I don’t like virginity talk. Youth and sex is big in today’s media, with shows like Skins and such forth bringing the subject to the forefront of our attention. I find talk of it distasteful – a lot of the interest is unpleasant voyeurism, and too much weight is put on ‘losing it’. It’s anticlimactic and too quick and the next time is miles better. That is pretty much universal, and we all know it. So when I read about Kate Monro’s project to collect and publish personal experiences of first times, I thought ‘here we go, a bit of tripe’. But this account, which I hope is genuine, is pure unintended comedy brilliance:
Arthur Perks, 86, lost his virginity in 1943
“I had no idea at all about sex. I never even saw my mum and dad kiss each other. I did think of going to a prostitute to show me how to do it, before I made a fool of myself, but I didn’t have the courage.
“In 1942, when I was 22, I joined the army so I never had time to go with women because I was a front line soldier. Then we went into Austria and annexed a couple of hotels on a lake. It was beautiful and I used to row round the lake and one night, there was this girl standing on the jetty.
“She took a fancy to me and I began to get a stir if you know what I mean. One night we had a nice night of rumpity-pump and it happened. Just like that. And the unfortunate part of it was, there was nothing splendid about it at all. I got the erection and bob’s your uncle. Away we went. Of course we weren’t so adventurous in those days. You didn’t try positions or anything like that, women are more forward today than they ever were back then.”
Palin, go back to Alaska and fuck a bear
Sarah Palin is a total dildo:
"This is what I stick up my ass when I want it to feel good".
She is really getting on my nerves lately. Now she thinks she can invent new words – refudiate, in case you were wondering. No, spellcheck doesn’t understand either. Apparently, she thinks she can do this because Shakespeare did. For two reasons, Sarah, you can’t – 1) Shakespeare was good at words, and 2) it’s not your language, twatbag. It’s slightly worrying that this woman doesn’t understand the red squiggly line. If that is confusing, how can she be trusted with the big red button?
Oasis
I know that you aren’t allowed like Oasis, because they’re from the North, they don’t drink Pimms and they expect a woman to cook the dinner. Well, fuck off, some of their music is incredible. Even up ’til the tumultuous end, the band produced cracking tunes. Here’s The Shock Of The Lightning, one of those corkers and my new favourite running song:
Yeah, Liam Gallagher would ingest the ashes of John Lennon if he had half a chance. But that song, and that video (especially after the drum solo) are fanfuckintastic.
Last night I had a little rant about Catholicism. This was in the wake of the Vatican classifying the ordination of female priests as a grave crime, on the same level as child abuse. But this move has seriously angered Catholics, and ever since the sex abuse allegations gained credence and evidence thousands of Catholics have left the church. So sorry you guys. But seriously, sort out your leadership, because they are fucked. In. The. Head.
Eric is the best footballer the Premiership has ever seen. He’s also in a surprisingly good advert for Sky (but why the fuck does Sky Sports News need to be in HD? Would you put Ceefax in HD? Dicks). Here is why I love Eric:
The moment all England fans dreaded, but knew was inevitable, has come. After the disappointing display in South Africa, supporters thought that that the England dream had reached its nadir, and things could not get any worse. How wrong we were. Today will surely go down as one of the darkest days in English football’s long history, as Emile Heskey announced his international retirement. Already, there have been calls for immediate knighthood. Wayne Rooney has been photographed crying into the steering wheel of his Range Rover. And Fabio Capello is seriously considering his position as England manager. Capello had been understood to have been bunkered in a basement in FA HQ, plotting how to best exploit Heskey and building a championship winning side around him. Today, those plans lie in tatters. Heskey leaves the team with an astounding record of 7 goals in 62 appearances.
Fucking Screw Ups #1
The Tea Party movement in the US is pretty scary, if for no other reason than they see Sarah Palin as the solution to their nation’s problems. It’s also scary because member organisations within the movement fund posters like this:
A reasoned, moderate view from the North Iowa Tea Party
There are many, many differences between Hitler, Obama and Lenin. Obama can slamdunk. He lives on the North American continent, the other two lived in Europe. Oh, and two were murdering, dictatorial war-mongerers. Can you guess which ones? (Clue: it ain’t the brother).
Fucking Screw Ups #2
I find Catholicism a little odd. No sex before marriage, no contraception after, transubstatiation, protect the paedophiles. But now, they have moved to make the ordination of female priests as heinous a crime as systematic abuse. Now, to me, and call me misguided if I am, but that smacks of wrong priorities. On the one hand, you have devoted Catholics wanting to spread the word of God, but being stopped from doing so because of a lack of testes. On the other hand, you have old men putting children through experiences that end a childhood. Are they crimes on the same level? Methinks not, Popey.
iLiKETRAiNS
My very favourite epic-historian band are returning with a new album (through a very cool system which benefits charities through sales). This is why they’re the tits:
In other news
-Shit day.
-There’s a company near me called TNG. Some scamp has graffitied it to read ANAL TING. Clever scamp.
Michael Ballack’s agent, Michael Becker, has been quoted in the German press saying that there is a ‘bunch of gays’ in the national football team. This apparently is the cause of their new more elegant, effeminate style of play, a far cry from the efficient, systematic German teams of old. Or so Mr Becker says. Of course it’s bullshit. Nothing like sexuality has ever influenced a football team’s style. That’s like saying because they ate potato waffles they will play in rigid formation, or like blaming Nigel De Jong’s tackle on him seeing a poster for The Karate Kid on the way to the ground. Becker is being rightly harangued for his archaic statements, that sadly reflect the prevalent homophobic attitudes of football. But the Guardian, in it’s reporting of the article, doesn’t really help the situation. “Experts estimate that around 10 per cent of all Bundesliga professionals are gay” – what experts? Did they get Gok Wan in to check for those dressed too well? Or parade Peter Andre in front of teams whilst checking to see which players were nursing a semi? I mean, come on. Experts? Professors of Homosexuality? Guardian, do us all a favour and stick to the facts.
Internet addiction
Sometimes I worry slightly that I may be overly reliant on my internet connection. It’s true that I spend a lot of time in cyberspace. But I am nowhere near as bad as this couple. They neglected their baby girl so badly she starved to death. What were they doing? Raising a baby online. Fucked up world eh?
Graduate tax
Vince Cable is to propose a new system for students where your fees would not be repaid as a loan but rather a graduate tax that is linked to earnings. I think it’s a good idea in principle, but there are still problems with the system. IMHO, there needs to be more funding for science, maths, engineering and other such places. Funding for places on bullshit courses with bullshit prospects should be cut. Funding for research is critical and needs to be ring-fenced. How do you think cures for disease and new technologies are found? Pfizer doesn’t pull them out of a glorious bumhole in Brooklyn, people work their lifetimes for very modest wages for the good of others. As long as Vince looks after them, and the important parts of our further education system, he’ll have done well.
Don't you have time to think? 