Rule no. 1: When in a hole…


Former Features Editor of the NOTW, current turd

The Leveson inquiry into the conduct of the press has continued this week. I wrote about the pap whose defence of his profession was incredibly flimsy and unconvincing. But that was nothing compared to the former Features Editor of the News of the World, Paul McMullan, who must be somewhere near New Zealand now given the size of the hole he dug himself today.

McMullan attempted to justify his and other’s conduct but only proceeded to make them look even more amoral. He misunderstands ‘public interest’: “circulation defines what is the public interest”. That’s wrong. 5m people might read the latest scoop on Jordan and whoever is tending to her lady garden this week. Does that make it in the public interest though, in the same way as the expenses scandal was? Not in my humble opinion. There is a difference between the public being interested and the public interest.

He then comes out with this belter: “I think phone hacking is a perfectly acceptable tool if all we were doing to trying to get to the truth”. NO. Firstly, it’s illegal. Secondly, if you want to know something, or think you know something, you must use lawful means to qualify your suspicions. If I want to know how much my boss gets paid, I can’t go stealing his payslips, even if all I’m trying to do is get to the truth. Plus, I’d bet my left nut that most of the time, McMullan and others were fishing for stories, not trying to confirm them. This search for the truth line is pure bullshit.

Discussion then moved onto the dangerous car chases that Sienna Miller, among others, spoke about. Well: “I absolutely loved giving chase to celebrities. Before Diana died it was such good fun. How many jobs can you have car chases in? It was great”. Yeah, all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Or dies. Which they did, and you acknowledged it! Without the insane levels of media interest, Diana may well have lived beyond that night in Paris. Instead, her car was chased until it crashed and then paps took pictures of her whilst she died. Stay classy Paul.

Later, he admitted to rooting through bins, said “privacy is for paedos; fundamentally nobody else needs it”, and claimed that hacking Milly Dowler’s phone was “not a bad thing”. He’s completely unscrupulous, and a criminal. Paul McMullan is scum, and if this inquiry results in the cessation of his brand of journalism, that will only be a god thing. Please, fuck off back to the hole you slithered out of.


Via Dave:

My tram experience

I expect you will have seen the video of Emma West getting all het up on the tram. She’s a horrible racist, and has been charged as such. Surely no-one in this day and age could agree with her, right?

Wrong. @Roguewader on Twitter stated: “She may have gone about it badly but the woman in #MyTramExperience had a bloody good point”. I replied “No she didn’t. You prick”, entirely reasonably I feel. He then hit back, saying that this was why we can’t discuss immigration – it’s immediately deemed racist.

Mate, no one said racist. Guilty conscience or what. Also, immigration discussions can be had if they are reasonable and intelligent. Racism is never either of these.

The tweeting went on awhile, with Mr. Wader continuing to try and make his point with fatuous, irrelevant arguments. Please, if you hear some ignoramus talking shit like this, say something. Remember these words – all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

Regarding Emma West – many said she made them ashamed to be British. However, those who stood up to her made me proud to be British. The level of disgust also shows that while there may be people who hold those views, they are in the minority. I hope Emma gets the prison sentence she deserves. Good luck in the slammer, sugartits.

Meow, right in the kisser

In other news


-Thai green chicken curry – nom.

-9 in 8.

Swinging classic:

If I can’t have your love, I don’t need your sympathy.


I’m your biggest fan…

… I’ll hack your phone until you sue me

Midget photographers have it hard

So, the next round of recriminations in the phone hacking scandal have commenced. The Leveson inquiry has been hearing from all manner of celebrities, and not so celebrities. This isn’t meant to be flippant, or demeaning – some of the hackees really aren’t famous, at all. Still, they’re of interest of course, like the partner of an MP whose daughter had just died in a skydiving accident. Classy tabloids.

Or the McCanns. Yes they are famous, although not of their own volition or desire. The inquiry is to question “the culture, practices and ethics of the press”, so it feels necessary to point out what the McCanns have been accused of, by the media, since Madeleine went missing in 2007:

  • killing her
  • freezing the body
  • selling her to pay off debts

Now, from that in no way exhaustive list, whatever your views on the case, I would argue that there is very little in the way of ethics on display there.

But, maybe we’re all being unfair. Maybe Mungo has got his knickers in a twist. So I was very interested to read a riposte from a paparazzo earlier.

He states, when talking about the pictures they take, “it’s the moral decision of the newspaper editors whether they print them or not”. Be that as it may, it’s your moral decision to get out of bed in the morning and harass people. This amazed me – “you hear all these celebrities complaining about being chased, but the fact is if they don’t try and get away then photographers don’t need to chase them. Simple”. Of course! How silly of us all. What you should do is just take the harassment! Never mind how scary or intimidating it all is, just shut up and take it. Then comes the pull on the heartstrings. “The recession hasn’t helped matters… A full-time paparazzo in London is struggling to take home £2,000 a month”. My heart fucking bleeds. Those nurses with pay freezes must be thanking their lucky stars they don’t have to take pictures for a living.

Earning a wage out of this must be only for those so dead inside that they literally have no comprehension of the damage they’re doing. This culture, these practices, these morals are wrong. I hope the red-tops and those that feed them muck and grime are feeling uncomfortable. It’s about time the tables were turned, hopefully for good.

Movember fight

Structured reality

TOWIE going strong. Desperate Scousewives coming soon. Even hipsters are getting in on it. But could we not just watch actual people act? Cause the problem is, even though these situations are real, these people are crap actors. And the situations are rubbish. The programs are pretty much the very definition so bad, it’s good. Or, total turds polished. Either way, it’s carving them out a lovely career. Those fries won’t cook themselves.

My thoughts exactly

Via Ricky Gervais:

Or, failing that, the Priest could channel Jesus and bum you

In other news

Gordon Ramsey owns an old bag.


-Trying to keep up with RVP.

I rather enjoy this:

I caught a glimpse.

Still hanging

2 days later…

and I’m still feeling it. Urgh.

Motor sport

A lot of criticisms are pointed the way of professional motor sport. Boring, billionaire’s playground, carbon emissions etc etc. But have a look at this:

The most startling shots begin at 0:44. Now why is this relevant to the criticisms of motor sport? Well, the driver of the crashed car walked away with a minor leg injury. Developments in car safety mean that an Indy car can get airborne, smash to pieces, end up upside down, and the driver lived. These leaps and bounds translate into passenger cars, with the result being that lives are saved on our roads. And, despite all the criticisms, that can’t be a bad thing.

David Laws

Yes, he broke the rules. Should he have gone? No. As an intelligent, hard-working, dedicated minister he was invaluable to the coalition. He offered to instantly pay the money back, but in our culture of media-led resignations, that was never going to be enough.  The fact that he was trying to conceal his sexuality says a lot about our (in the main) homophobic media, and how they clash with liberal attitudes in this country. I feel sorry for him (here are some pretty moving comments he made after being outed) and I’m sure he’ll be back, as politicians that care and are good don’t come around too often. But it’s not right that he went in the first place. It was unnecessary, and driven by something other than the search for truth.

England squad

No, I’m not happy. Am I the England manager? No. Let’s hope there’s a reason for this.

In other news:

-Never, never again. Every time I drink I say this, but it is meant now.

Turf is good fun.


Now I’m off to write Japanese Shot Put Girl. Ciao, bitchez.

Shut up Alesha


Alesha Dixon has been chatting shit. I didn’t have much time for her anyway, but apparently she is not content with being a karaoke singer and all-round media ‘personality’. Now, she wants to be an investigative journalist. Piss off.

Dixon’s article on absent fathers would shame a hamster with a typewriter. She says that she is a ‘pretty secure and confident woman – you’d have to be, to do what I do’. What do you do? Sing other people’s songs? Hold up a table tennis bat with a number on? She must have a lot of confidence, because that what she is – a con. She was a shit rapper in Mis-teeq, she’s a shit singer and she’s a shit for bumping Arlene off Strictly. She should shit off.

‘These days I can’t help thinking about those kids’ she says. Arsewank. These all she can’t stop doing is getting her self-righteous mug absolutely everywhere, and counting the resultant cash.

‘I also know I can’t control society at large – world domination has never been my thing’. Thank God for that. I was worried about Alesha unleashing the Fourth Reich with Len Goodman as head of her secret police.

Up to that point, the article was just poorly written dross. But now, Alesha starts going on about the worrying possibility of accidentally meeting and shagging a half sibling. ‘Likewise, if you don’t know who your father is, you won’t know if he’s gone on to have other kids so you could end up bumping into a half-brother or sister down the local pub or club without knowing it. One thing could lead to another and, well, it’s a pretty scary thought.’ It’s a pretty scary thought if you also worry about being eaten alive by squirrels, of drowning under a tsunami of plant pots. To sane people, it’s not scary at all.

To illustrate her point, Alesha quotes some lobotomy candidate called Amy who ‘said it literally crossed her mind every day. She’d walk down a street and wonder if she had just passed her father or her half-brother or sister. If she met a guy on a night out, one of the first things she’d ask him would be “What’s your surname?”, just in case it matched that of her biological father’. Of course, par for the course for Alesha is not finding out the guy’s name until after he’s spaffed inside her.

Alesha rounds off by saying ‘children growing up without knowing who their father is has become an increasing phenomenon which won’t go away just like that’. I wish she’d go away just like that, that being with tears rolling down her face after finding out that she is carrying twins fathered by Gary Glitter. Still want daddy to know the kids, dickhead?

(By the way, I totally agree with the premise of the article. I disagree with it’s delivery via an unqualified rent-a-gob).


  • I miss Arrested Development:

Watch out for the paedo-mouse

Please protect any young ones from this evil mouse.

  • In other news, this is a bit good:
  • I’m going out this weekend for the first time in a long time.
  • New favourite chat-up line – ‘Want to come back to my place and we can name your tits?
  • I like shoes.

Think I’m gonna do some round up of the year soon, and may even attempt to address this decade. Now that’ll be bonkers.