Uruguay? U r gay.

Idiot #9

Let’s not beat about the bush – Ghana were robbed. An African nation could’ve been in the semi-finals of the World Cup for the first time ever. Instead, Luis Suarez (Spanish for Pissflap McBallsack) did his bit:

Now, there are two sides to this coin. I would do what Suarez did, as would the majority of other people who play football. The act is of defending your goal is mostly instinctive, and the only thought in your mind is to stop the ball crossing the line. But, and this is a big but, there is another side to the coin. Suarez had been diving and rolling and gurning like a twat all tournament, and considering the amount of con artists in the modern game, the fact that he stood out says it all. Also, Ghana were a breath of fresh air, playing free flowing football, enjoying themselves and beating America along the way. Finally, the unfortunate Asamoah Gyan, who missed the resulting penalty, had up ’til that point had a brilliant tournament. He led the line, scored goals and ran until his socks fell down. Then he ran some more. Unfortunately, despite all of the calls, there is no way the rules can be changed. Penalty goals like in rugby are completely unworkable in football. I was gutted when Ghana lost on penalties, and seeing Gyan crying inconsolably while Suarez grinned like an arsehole chimp was the perfect example of how unfair football can be. Luis Suarez, go fuck yourself. Black Stars forever!

Birthday

It was the tits. Ralphy and I have the same birthday, so I went to see him for a drink, and we ended up having a bit of a bender. I was trashed! Good to see a lot of old friends though. On my actual birthday, I got this:

It looks corking. I love a good psycho-game, bit of a thinker. I also got this. I am a very lucky boy!

Erotic Falconry

Yeah, you read right:

The early bird gets the worm

Go on, internet

The internet is good for two things – porn and bringing people together. Be it Friends Reunited, or getting Rage to #1, there is strength in numbers. It also means Justin Bieber might be going to North Korea. An ill-advised campaign whereby fans can vote to try and get Bieber to tour their country has been hijacked by users of 4chan, and the country winning at present is North Korea. Come on communism! I’d like to see Bieber get by over there. He’s no Einstein:

In other news:

-Science is très cool.

-Wow, cycling is harder than I thought.

-Come on, Netherlands.

Right, time to sleep of my five (count them, five) cream cakes. Boo ya.

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Do pipe down!

Idiot #1

Simon Jenkins, writing for the Guardian, argues that we should scrap the armed forces to save £45bn. Do us all a favour Simon, and shut the fuck up. Firstly, we’d be defenceless. I know this sounds paranoid, but with the current situation in Israel, Iran and North Korea beefing up their arsenals, and India and Pakistan both with nuclear weapons, I find it somewhat reassuring to know that we have the best armed forces in the world. At least if it does all kick off, we won’t be sat waiting to get our arses kicked saying “at least the deficit is smaller!”. And not only do they defend, but the forces give manpower, support and aid in natural disasters. The Navy are a key component in the fight on drugs, constantly seizing cocaine that would otherwise be finding it’s way to Europe. And between them the forces employ almost 295,000 people, with another 145,000 in indirect employment (figures here). That’s 440,000 people you want to make unemployed Simon. And with unemployment at it’s highest since 1996, is that really sensible? Erm, no. Plus, as a British person, there’s not alot I’m proud of in this country. Like the NHS, the forces are part of our identity as a nation. I acknowledge that it is Jenkins’ job to be controversial, but it isn’t his job to be a twat. So wind your neck in.

Idiot #2

James Corden is a total bellend. Anyone who knows me will know my feelings about this vacuous, unfunny waste of perfectly good KFC. I don’t like him, because everything he does is all about him. He loves getting his beach ball face anywhere and everywhere. Sport Relief became Cordenathon (PS Please Raise Some Cash). Dizzee Rascal doing a world cup song? Get Corden on it. Fat wanker. Now, he’s abusing living legend Patrick Stewart. As well as being in a hugely successful TV series, he’s one of our most distinguished stage actors too. And when Stewart was presenting an award at a recent ceremony, Corden started shouting around in the background like the attention seeking blubberball he is. Responding to Stewart’s jibes about his weight, Corden “lifted his t-shirt revealing his tummy”. The very height of wit. Do me a favour, and piss off. I’ve had funnier turds than you.

Will.i.am’s Profound Tweets #1

In the first of a new series, Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas shows how intense and deep he really is (and how hard it is to spell awesome):

Twatter

Koyaanisqatsi

I bought this film t’other day (the title means “life out of balance”). I remember it from media studies as having an awesome soundtrack by Philip Glass – better not be shit now:

Another brilliant film sountracked by Glass is The Thin Blue Line, which helped an innocent man get off death row. It’s definately worth a watch if the chance arises.

In other news:

-Big Brother starts tonight for the last time. Let’s see what freaks are in this year!

-I love paella.

-Cheesy, brilliant pop music:

Right, Junior Apprentice with Big Brother to follow. Time to go, crackers.