Give over

One fuck a game?

Pretty tame swearing

Wayne Rooney is going to get a ban for swearing down a camera in Manchester United’s 4-2 victory against West Ham. The ban hasn’t been ratified yet, but you can bet your bottom dollar one will be the result of his FA charge. His match-winning, hattrick-scoring performance has been forgotten, as he has been roundly vilified for his actions.

Despite promptly apologising after the game (and I can understand his heat of the moment argument – I’ve played football and said some truly disgusting things, that I’m not proud of, and would wholeheartedly recant after the final whistle), the age old bullshit about role models and what about the children? has been rolled out. Now, if you want to give your kids a role model who has worked tremendously hard to exploit a talent to its fullest potential, Wayne Rooney is perfect. If you’re looking for someone whom your children can look up to for virtuous guidance, he ain’t your man. You couldn’t find anyone more morally bankrupt.

But this rubbish about his responsibilities? Behave. The only responsibility here is with parents to teach their children right and wrong. If you don’t want your kids to see or hear swearing, then don’t left them watch football. It doesn’t have to be spat down a camera – I have lip-read the A to Z of a profanisaurus whilst watching the Premier League.

I can guarantee those children know those words anyway. Rooney said fuck twice – that is par for the course daily in playgrounds across the country. That’s not Rooney’s fault, it’s an inherent issue with our society.

He’s a victim of circumstance as much as anything. 20 years ago, there would never have been a cameraman, free to walk pitchside to get the best shots. That level of coverage and scrutiny is what the fans want, and then out come the moaners when a young man swears at work. If you can find me a 25 year old male who doesn’t swear at work, I’ll show you a liar.

At the end of the day, he was in the wrong. But get off the high horse. He’s human. We say naughty words, and do naughty things. And you’re a fucking idiot if this shocks you. And if that offends you, then you’re a daft fucking idiot to boot.

Hitler house

I’m sure this has probably seen by everyone, but it’s brilliant:

Adolf Hitler - A Swansea House

And as an extra treat – Elvis beetle:

Blue suede shoes - strangely absent

Oh dearism

So true:

Guess where I’m going this weekend?

Edinburgh. Good guess. I’m well excited, and if anyone has any boss ideas for places to go/see, let me know. Cheers kids.

In other news

-Day off on Wednesday, meeting Thursday. Good times.

A really revealing perspective on rape.

-Interested?

The Vaccines album is really good, like Glasvegas if they were exposed to natural sunlight. Here’s a top one:

They better be at Glasto. With me. Oh yeah.

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What’s that? Rooney… is a man?

What turns a public schoolgirl into a £1,200 per night call girl? Erm, £1,200.

Through the very latest telescopic photo lens, the News Of The World managed to capture the precise moment Rooney's hooker earned her £1,200

Before I begin, not for one second do I condone any man cheating on his wife. If the wife is pregnant with your child, even worse. Wayne Rooney is a dog. But there has been barely anything made of the prostitute who propositioned him, then told him it wouldn’t be free. The streets of Manchester and Kensington are littered with girls whose only ambition is to be bent over by a footballer. How did that happen? ‘Premiership Jen’, Rooney’s hooker, claims to have slept with at least 3 other Premier League players (incidentally, kudos on the usually classy [sic] Daily Mail for getting so much softcore porn into one article). So whilst all the news coverage has been focused on Rooney, his state of mind, and the chances of his marriage surviving, the only coverage of the other party has been voyeuristic. It’s a bit like the Deepwater Horizon disaster – very quickly coverage focused on the environmental impact, and the ensuing political soap opera, and the fact that 11 men died was quickly erased from the story. Just remember, next time you’re whining about how much money Wayne gets paid for nothing, that it takes two to tango.

And if you are gonna bang on about it, this is the way to do it:

Bollocks to Roger

As some of you may know, Roger Federer is categorically cunty. This is the real best tennis shot ever:

Inyourendo

Sexual innuendo is brilliant. Boring people would call me childish for laughing. Behave, I say. There is a very funny article on the Guardian website about this today – the comments section is bowstaff:

The definition of a lady is ‘a woman who only swears when it slips out’.

This led me onto sexual innuendo on Uncyclopedia:

Sexual innuendo is a hard topic to stay on top of.

Very British swearing

James Hunt, former F1 World Champion, commentaing on the 1989 Monaco Grand Prix:

In other news

-Happy 50th, Hugh Grant.

I can’t feel my face (thanks, Dave).

Incredible finish, especially in the hat.

Last but not least, ID cards – who cares? Sleep time.