So it’s friday morning
… and I haven’t packed and I’m still drunk and I bike to work and feel rough and time goes slow and the half day takes forever and suddenly I’m free and not packed yet and rushing and heaving my massive bag to Bush Hill Park and hope Lucozade will perk me up and Seven Sisters and Victoria to Oxford Circus and Bakerloo to Paddington and collect my tickets and no return one, just VOID VOID VOID and this is why I hate trains and print me a new one and don’t take forever, I’m starving and finally you come back and just time for a pasty and bitch won’t give me my seat and I sit next to her anyway and listen to obnoxiously loud music as a ‘fuck you’ and I’m reading Q and there’s that white horse on the hill and now it’s Exeter and I get a taxi and then the X53 and I’m sat on the top deck at the front and it looks beautiful here and now it’s a narrow lane and cars are jumping out of the way and how does he get a bus down here and the sea looks enticing and we drop down into the village and Welcome To Beer and there’s Dave and the village is a picture and christ that’s a big hill and here’s the caravan park and I’ll have the double bed tonight and time for tea and fish and chips and I go for rock and is that a spine and it’s tasty and we sit on the hill and the sun is low and I love it already and my feet die and it’s to the pub and man drinks and we’re knackered and back up the hill and bedtime and 12 hours sleep and Clur’s coming later and we walk to Branscombe over the cliffs and this hill somehow is bigger and the rocks and wet and Dave is fearless and it’s so calm and the birds are chilling and hairy man is on the rocks and Dave had a pee when I wasn’t looking and heading back now and I do the pasta bake and Dave goes to get Clare and here she is and the pasta is tops and hanging out is too we walk to Seaton for some food and it’s chorizo and houmus for me and I down a creme caramel or two and some Flight Of The Conchords and I’m in with Dave tonight and his arse is going like the clappers and it’s Sunday and we wander into Beer and have a mosey around and back up the hill and reading Dog Blood and watching Come Dine With Me and back down the hill and we get 3 for £8 wine and I’m pretty drunk and emotional and Dave goes for a swim and forgets to pee and I can see Jesus and a screaming man on the rocks and here is the lifeguard and kids are throwing people in the sea and Dave is on the phone forever and eventually we go back to the caravan and bed and it’s morning and here’s Sorrell and plans are being made and today is mackerel fishing and we head into the village and onto the beach and Kim isn’t there and we decide to tan and swim and the water is freezing and Clare flies in like a banshee and Dave is a trooper and they start swimming and I go for it and the water is pristine and clear not as cold once you get going and we go out to the buoy and tread water a bit and the water is a brilliant inky blue and you can’t see the bottom and it’s a little eerie and we come back and it’s almost impossible to walk from the water and the pebbles hurt like hell and dry in the breeze I need a coke to wash away the sea salt and here comes Kim’s boat and we pootle over and the seats vibrate like mad and Alistair has good banter and Kim doesn’t really tell us what to do and in no time I’ve caught 5 and apparently I’m doing it wrong and the fish keep coming and Kim is getting pissed off and I can’t tell if he’s joking and yes I live in London and that explains a lot and I’ve buggered his line and the fish have shat all over me and we get off the boat and I wash my shitty t-shirt in the sea and feel pretty cold and we get pasties and head back and we’re filleting the fish ourselves and Dave goes first and it’s pretty gross and there’s a lot of shit in there and we do half a dozen and they’re ready for the grill and we have them simple with butter and bread and it’s a pretty nice tea and we’re going on the piss again and we’re on the beach with a bottle of red and drunk again and satellites and shooting stars are bloody cool and I love this and we call it a night and Tuesday is Charmouth for fossils and Lyme Regis and in the car I DJ and Dave doesn’t appreciate Bat Out Of Hell and we get to Charmouth and there are some corking fossils and we get our goggles and hammers and it’s hard at first and there’s nothing much and I don’t like it much but then we move and I go belemnite crazy and find a tiny ammonite too and smash a rock and it has a sparkly fissure and we do some filming and we get hungry and head back to the fossil place and Sorrell finds a pimping ammonite and yes I’m jealous and Lyme time and the parking is dead cheap and me and Dave get hog roast sandwiches and they’re delicious and we go for cream tea and I adore clotted cream and finish everyone else’s and I’m so full and we head to the front and the Cobb and it’s beautiful and the hills look Amazonian and there is some weird frisbee action going on and we try to cover the sand with stones and Clare gets stones thrown at her and we go back to the town and Sorrell gets bunting and we get pies for later and mine’s Moo and Blue and we go to Tesco and finally I have some Krave and we get back on the road and decide to chill in the caravan and Moo and Blue is delicious and we have pear Bulmers and watch Mitchell and Webb and Shooting Stars and Big Brother and Life of Brian and it’s nice to not be drunk and hitting the hay and on Wednesday we go to Weymouth and the journey is horrific and traffic everywhere and unplanned detours and shag marry or kill and Dave gets the answer wrong and an eternity later we arrive and getting out of the car is bliss and we walk to the beach and it’s huge and we go to get our Inception tickets and it’s back to the front and lunch at the Nook and I have crab salad and it’s lovely and the guy sat outside is smoking a lot of weed and it’s film time and we walk up and get cinema snacks and I get Starburst and a lasandwich which is glorious and the cinema has rubbish seats and the film starts slow and Joseph is Keanu-lite and and by the end the film is fantastic and there’s a lump in my throat and we leave the cinema and go to the front for the last of the sun and it’s a lovely evening and we saunter back along the water’s edge the journey back is better and then we get stuck behind something and it’s dark when we get in and we watch the strange Northern Irish freestyle dance and it’s been a long day and we go to sleep and today is Sidmouth Folk Festival and we park on the rugby pitch and it’s like a country fête and there are accordions all over the place and when I was nine I did a line and we walk to the beach and I get another hog roast sandwich and it’s not as good as Lyme’s one and we sit on the beach and I get another bracelet and there are weird little pirate people and I get a double decker ice cream and we start to head back to the car and we get £1 t-shirts and it’s back to Beer for the last time and the girls cook curry and it’s delicious and the swingers are out and we watch Young Dumb And Living Off Mum and head down to the village for one last drink on the beach and the off licence is shut and that sucks and we go to the pub and drink a bit then get tequila and someone had dinner with Brett and it’s on to the beach to share Merlot and the night is beautiful and cold and I have an accident and there’s a dodgy picture and we throw rocks and chat and it’s perfect and it ends too soon we’re back in the caravan watching trash and I’m barely awake and I take off my soggy socks and sleep and morning comes and tidying commences and we take a picture of us all in our t-shirts and it takes a while and Sorrell leaves and we hoover and wash and pack and Dave leaves too and we watch Jeremy Kyle and go down to Beer and I get rocks and a bucket and a Chicken Balti pasty and fudge and rock and Four Four Two and we wait for the bus and into Exeter and to St Davids and me and Clare hang until the Paddington train arrives and as I get on the holiday ends and I can still smell the sea and even now when I close my eyes all I can see is Beer.
In other news
-I’m going nowhere.
Right, I leave you with these funny fuckers:
Raging Bull tonight. Happy Days.