¡Vamos!

They think it’s all over

For England it was a long time ago. But even without the perennial failures with three lions on the shirt, the tournament continued. Yesterday’s final was not the festival of football that was hoped for, but it was still a good match. Just because a game all fluid passing and flicks and tricks, it doesn’t make it a bad game. Too many fans nowadays want to be seeing a Brazil/Barcelona hybrid for 90+4 minutes every match, every week, and those who don’t play football don’t understand that it’s impossible. The match was a slow build up of tension, Spain dominating and Holland breaking to almost steal it. Watching it with the Spanish in a bar in Kings Cross got me really caught up in the atmosphere, and it was bloody brilliant. The outburst of relief when Spain finally broke down the Dutch was immense, and the party in Trafalgar Square after was a corker. ¡No soy español!

What has annoyed me, apart from the criticism of the play, has been the criticism of the referee. Howard Webb had a great game, end of. Puyol did not deserve to be sent off, and neither did Nigel De Jong. I’ll admit, the tackle looks horrible:

However, any bad tackle does in slow-mo and out of context. De Jong had eyes only for the ball, and there was no malice. It was dangerous, no more. Look at these two challenges:

Red cards? No, accidents. Again, people who know the game know that these things happen. It’s a contact sport, and unfortunately that can mean pretty terrible injuries. However, the alternative is chess. I know what I’d rather have, be it as a fan or player.

RIP Harvey Pekar

Harvey Pekar has passed away. To many people who have never heard of him, that may not mean much. But to those who have seen American Splendor, a biographical film of his life, it’s really sad:

Harvey was an ordinary man, and was the subject of many comics that illustrated an normal existence. He was a celebration of average Joe’s all over the world. The film, which starred Paul Giamatti as Harvey as well appearances by the man himself, was incredibly successful at conveying both the relentless struggle of a man against the systems which confused him, and the warmth that he had to those who loved him. There is one lovely scene, in which the real Pekar and his friend Toby discuss Jelly Beans, that showed his character perfectly. Harvey helped find beauty in the mundane. Harvey Pekar – gone but not forgotten.

Mel Gibson – still a cunt

More Mel “You thought Fritzl was bad?” Gibson audio. Great soundbite at 1.50 – “You should just fucking smile, and blow me, because I deserve it”. The only thing he deserves is drowning in pig slurry.

Concorde

I would fist Kerry Katona to fly on Concorde, or even to see it fly. It’s a technological marvel, even years after it was retired. There was a show about the 2000 crash on earlier, but far from putting me off Concorde, it reinforced my distant love for it. Couple of facts:

  1. 22.5 miles a minute.
  2. At one stage, it generated 25% of all BA’s profit. Bet they could do with that now, yeah?
  3. A great anecdote from a former pilot. Concorde was carrying the American Ryder Cup team, when one of the players attempted a putt into a cup down the length of the plane into a cup. The putt went in, taking 22 seconds to get there. Distance of the putt – 8.5 miles.

Fuck the money issues, fuck the maintenance, get the planes back in the air as a testament to human ambition. Please, anyone.

In other news

-I scored – twice.

How Spain celebrated.

-Real paella is the tits.

Right, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

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Listen to the octopus

Paul the Octopus

Who knows best about football? Pundits? Fans? It would appear that the answer lies with a cephalopod who has never watched a game in his life. Paul the Octopus has so far predicted all of Germany’s results in the World Cup. Now that Spain have beaten Germany (in a match so dull, it made watching paint dry seem more appealing than a Miss World orgy) Paul was called upon to predict the winner of Sunday’s final. Paul chose Spain:

But, I think I have spotted something. Is it possible that Paul is just a lazy fucker? He floated over to the nearest box and picked Spain. He couldn’t be arsed to go all the way to the Dutch box, and now Spain are nailed on to win. I wonder if the Dutch players are aware of Paul? As it happens, I’m going to be in a Spanish bar on Sunday. So if they win, free beers! VIVA, VIVA ESPAÑA!

Bloody funny own goal:

Cristiano Ronaldo, you should’ve punched this annoying fucker. But well done for putting the tossrag in his place:

Lastly, we’re not so good at football, but we are good at smacking the crap out of each other.

Idiots #11 and #12

Rush Limbaugh, right wing turd fountain, has said that Barack Obama is deliberately ruining America. Limbaugh seems to suggest that Obama is taking out the hard feelings of a race on the rest of the American people and “people who do not like the country, who do not have the same reverence for it that we do” are in control. “There’s no question that payback is what this administration is all about, presiding over the decline of the United States of America, and doing so happily“. No. You’re wrong. The administration that pushed through universal healthcare is far better than the Palinesque bigotry-ridden clusterfuck you’d advocate. Fuck off Limbaugh.

And Mel Gibson, you too. Anyone who describes a woman’s clothing in these terms – “if you get raped by a pack of niggers it will be your fault” – does not deserve oxygen. There are rapists, murderers, Fritzl, Hitler and Mel Gibson. Listen to the audio here. I hope Gibson is tossed onto Hollywood’s trash pile quicker than he can blame the Jews. You’re a racist, ignorant, vile cunt. Pure and simple.

Angry chick (I didn’t realise she was a girl ’til she said so. Oops)

Strangest story of the year so far?

Snoop Dogg has played the Pyramid Stage at Glastonbury. Now he wants to be in Coronation Street. What next – the Queen has laid a golden egg in Primark on Oxford Street? Hedgehogs stage a military coup in Iceland? Kerry Katona sells vagina for new bowling alley in Cotswolds?

In other news:

-Banging night.

Really powerful and worthwhile project.

-Paul Gasgoigne – footballer, drunkard, hostage negotiator. Quickly rivaling Snoop in Corrie for randomness.

Finally, Raoul Moat jokes (all via Sickipedia):

Off to the woods to shoot a copper, cause that’s how I Raoul.

Funny how times change. Years ago, if you had a moat round your village you felt safe.

Why didn’t they just ask Paul the Octopus where Raoul Moat was?

Right. Night y’all.

Be a man and admit it? Ah, you’d rather not.

Idiot #10

So, the Uruguay manager Oscar Tabárez is pissed off with the British press:

“I’m embarrassed by what is being asked by the British press. That is truly shameful. They have been speculating about an action that happens on a football pitch and is dealt with in the laws of the game. It happened [to Harry Kewell] in Australia’s game with Ghana. It happened in 1990 when Uruguay played Spain and a player on the goalline blocked a shot with both hands.

“It was an instinctive act, nothing more. Suárez couldn’t have foreseen that, afterwards, Ghana would miss the penalty. Don’t talk to me about a lack of humility. The Uruguayan people bring out their collective personal strength when they have to. We are very proud, and we’re upset by this topic. We’re proud of our performances and what we’ve contributed to this World Cup. Uruguay went through the three previous games with hardly a yellow card, so please don’t tell me we’re cheats.”

This is Uruguay who’ve collected 9 yellow cards (above average) and 2 red (joint top) in the tournament. And only advanced due to a flagrant act of cheating. When those are facts, don’t say you’re “upset” by criticism of the guilty party. Especially when that party (Uruguayan beach volleyball international Luis Suarez) bragged about his intervention thus – “the Hand of God now belongs to me” and “I made the save of the tournament”. I’m glad that Uruguay have been dumped out by the Dutch. All they’ll be remembered for at this tournament will gamesmanship and Forlan (exemplary througout). Tabárez, Suarez, go home. You ARE cheats, and you won’t be missed.

Oldie but goodie

Myleene Klass

Myleene is shocked to find 6 year olds cage fighting. I think Myleene exists to be shocked. She is basically a mouthpiece for the outrage and dissent of Daily Mail reading middle England. Yeah, in America 6 year olds cage fight. In India, they have jobs. In Sudan, they may fight wars. Cage fights are not all that shocking at all. Children do judo, and fight in the playground. At least in a controlled environment they’re protected. Myleene, go home, and have a shave.

Will.i.am’s Profound Tweets #2

Erm... that'd be finale you're after Will

In other news:

-I have new plans.

Angry bird.

-Big Pink doing it right:

Okies, off for some trad. Sup sup!

Humility? That’s a new one Sepp

Fair play

Kudos Sepp Blatter. As the head honcho of FIFA who personally witnessed the aberration that was the no goal decision in the England match, I fully expected him to come out and cover his own back. It would’ve been no surprise if Blatter had released a press statement reading like so – “Well, the ball may have crossed the line, but Matthew Upson? I mean, Capello, what the fuck? So you’re losing 4-1. And you bring on… Heskey? His scoring record is worse than Susan Boyle’s on the moon! You daft Italian twunt. PS Fifa rock”. But, Sepp has come out and apologised for the error. Fully apologised too, not that bullshit “Sorry, but it was still your fault” apology. “Personally I deplore it when you see evident referee mistakes but it’s not the end of a competition or the end of football, this can happen. The only thing I can do is yesterday I have spoken to the two federations [England and Mexico] directly concerned by referees’s mistakes. I have expressed to them apologies and I understand they are not happy and that people are criticising”. Fair play to Sepp.

Fair play is more than can be said to the German goalie Manuel Neuer. He has admitted deceiving the referee after seeing Frank Lampard’s shot cannon off the crossbar and over the line in Sunday’s match. Now, call me an idealist but maybe he could’ve put his hands up and told the ref the ball crossed the line instead of trying his best to con him. I went to a match between Nottingham Forest and Leicester, two fierce rivals. Forest were 1-0 up at half-time when a Leicester player had a heart attack in the changing room, and the match was abandoned. When the rematch was played, Leicester let Forest score a goal straight away. It wasn’t asked for, or compulsory – it was a good sporting gesture. There was also this from Paulo Di Canio, which won him both fair play awards and respect from all followers of football:

Again, this may be the dreamer in me, but why couldn’t Neuer have displayed the same sportsmanship as Leicester and Di Canio? Neither of those games were on the scale of a knockout World Cup match, but really, what’s the difference? When it comes down to it, all examples were just one team versus another. Neuer had a huge chance to show the world that football is more than money and deception and winning whatever the costs, whatever morals you leave on the sidelines. But he chose not too. Whenever I’m with people who slag off football for being corrupt and bloated and overhyped, players and officials like Neuer make it harder to defend the sport I love the most. People like Neuer let down the game, the fans, and most blatantly, themselves. Manuel Neuer, join Thierry Henry, Diego Maradona, Rivaldo and all the other players who may have winners medals, but have fuck all integrity.

Sorry for the morality rant.

One of these days…

If this car was a woman, it would be a naked Kirsten Dunst. On my face.

I mean, seriously. I said yesterday I don’t understand art. To me, this car is art. The Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG. It’s an incredible fusion of automative engineering, state-of-the-art technology and mind-blowingly beautiful design. It brings together the best of human aspiration, talent and achievement, from so many different fields. I’d love to own one. One day, Mcleod. One day.

However, these are my new wheels:

SWEET

*It’s bigger in real life. Honest.

The Cure

I’m gay for The Cure at the mo. What a tune:

There is a very real part of me that wishes that music was like it was in the 80’s, both the trends and the way it was discovered. Nowadays it’s so easy and fashionable to make an MP3 in your bedroom, and whack it on the internet. There is so much crap out there it’s unreal! At least back then, you knew if a band were signed, they were good. And the music – The Cure, The Smiths, New Order, Duran Duran, Culture Club, Visage, Ultravox, Genesis… now it’s Scouting For Girls and Jack Johnson. Balls to that.

My thoughts exactly

What's a mormon?

In other news:

-After watching Love The Beast, I have a new found respect for Eric Bana.

KERRY KATONA SEX TAPE

-Bye bye Cristiano, you vain egotistical douche.

Right, bloody hell. Bedtime again. Cheery bye ballsacks.


So they had their chance…

and England blew it

South Africa is famed around the world for its coastline, Mandela, springbok. For English football fans, disappointment can now be added to that list. The players disappointed, the coach disappointed, and the results were the biggest disappointment of all. But despite all that, the biggest let down of all was the standard of the officials. Regardless of the fact that England were abject in the first 30 minutes of the match, Frank Lampard scored a perfectly legitimate goal. Anyone with any knowledge of basic chaos theory can tell you that this doesn’t mean the final score would’ve been 4-2. It could’ve been 3-2 to England or 10-5 to Germany. Wayne Rooney could’ve got a hat-trick. Fabio Capello could’ve turned into a T-Rex and gone on a killing spree. A German win was by far the more likely result, but it’s a travesty that such amateurish decisions were made in the biggest football tournament on the biggest stage. Be that as it may, England were fucking terrible – maybe Gareth Barry’s turdiness rubbed off on the officials. Incidentally, it wasn’t just the English who were hard done by. The Mexicans were robbed.

Here’s a Daily Mash take on the inevitable video technology debate.

And, bitter much Americans?

USA WINS 1-1... oh right, you were only pretending to give a shit. I get it.

Tinashé

Remember the beautiful Tinashé song,” Zambezi”, from a couple of weeks ago? Well, this is the e.p. version:

It’s like someone crossed the Lord’s Prayer with “Tenderoni”, and it’s brilliant!

Glenn Beck

Right wing cuntosaurus Glenn Beck (of “Michael J. Fox is milking Parkinson’s” fame) has released a novel in the US. He has no writing talent whatsoever – “Without a doubt, all the goodies were in all the right places, but no mere scale of one to 10 was going to do the job this time” ? I mean, if you had a million monkeys with a million typewriters, you could take their fecal matter and microwave it, and it would read better. Add to that the damning reviews, and you would’ve thought that the book would be a massive failure, yes? No. #1 bestseller. It so easy to see the rational party in the US. The Democrats question Obama, asking if he is doing enough to merit the presidency. The Republicans buy Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin books. That is proof enough that when it comes to Republicans, all the goodies are definitely not in the right place.

I don’t get art

I never have. I saw this about some fighter planes in the Tate, and I just thought, what’s the point? What is your message? What are these planes trying to provoke us to think? The author of the piece, Adrian Searle, keeps banging on about how phallic the planes are. Really? How much cock have you seen? The only thing phallic about that plane lying on it’s roof is that it looks a bit like a floppy dick. Yes the planes are powerful, and Searle tries to say that their taking out of context shows how this power is “mutable”. Right, well to me that’s like sticking a worn out car battery in a room, and saying “ooh, look how much power it had”. Apparently, the planes are “inescapably sexy”. Well, they’re lumps of metal. Whatever floats your boat. This passage sums up how incredulous art makes me feel – “The Jaguar has been stripped of its paintwork and polished to a reflective aluminium shine. Somewhere between evil hypodermic and swordfish, it injects itself into the space, and might almost disappear among its reflections. I’ll be honest: I found the confrontation a turn-on”. Might almost disappear? WTF? How much matter do you know that just disappears? To be honest, all this piece told me was that Searle has a boner for planes.”Her fighter planes have become images of power as well as impotence – and, therefore, of art itself“. I think her planes are more firing blanks than cocksure stud. And do me a favour Adrian? Give over with all the dick imagery. You can’t sex up a spade. Don’t try.

In other news:

-If Brazil or Argentina don’t win the World Cup, you’ll eat my hat.

-I scored tonight.

-Despite how shit they have gone, Kings Of Leon still have some fantastic songs. Love the video too:

Right, I need to sleep. Nighty night.

Give them a chance, yeah?

More World Cup

Yeah, we didn’t win again. But as I have previously said, this is what is making this World Cup really interesting. So far the only favourites to win both their matches are Brazil and Argentina. Spain and Germany have both lost, the French are all but out, and even the current world champions have the same record as England – against weaker teams. It seems to be forgotten that the US beat Spain last year and Algeria are the champions of Africa. And no-one wins anything after two games, and we can still get through the group with a win over Slovenia. So pipe down – it’s not over yet.

On a similar theme, it fucks me off no end when I hear people who have no idea spouting shit like “millionaire playboys who have no pride in the shirt”. None of the England footballers are saints. But they have set up their own charity, and in this World Cup alone will raise over £1m for good causes. This is because, since 2007, they have donated all their match fees to charity. I am not painting them as moral superheroes, and to a man they can afford to give the cash away. But it is a gesture in the right vein, and they don’t have to do it. When they wear the shirt, they do it with pride, as much as I have when I watch the team as a genuine football fan. So again – pipe down.

On a lighter note, please see this, as brought to my attention by Gareth Harper:

This is also the music to every Nickelback song ever

Also this is funny, especially the Peter Crouch description – “agitated by Franco Baldini’s morning ritual of asking: “What’s the weather like up there?” And Capello calling him “robot crisps man””.

Fox hysteria

Foxes are killing babies! Or that is what our bullshit loving media would have us believe. Yes, there have been about three attacks in recent weeks (I don’t recall any others before then). But the most recent incident is frankly preposterous. A 3 year old has been bitten after stroking/pulling a foxes tail. I feel for the fox! It’s a wild animal, and some little kid comes after his tail? I’m not surprised he bit the little fucker. Good on foxy.

Here‘s the Daily Mash take on the foxes.

Big Brother

The toff Ben is taking a beating. I feel really sorry for him! He’s just a bit too sensitive for the house. Shabby is a cockend. It’s enthralling!

Andrew W.K.

Corker of a song:

Totally agree with the sentiments of bucktoofus – “this makes me want to party till my dick shoots flames”.

Green & Blacks

Yum yum yum. Butterscotch please:

As Juliet said to Romeo - "Get inside me"

Angry camels

In other news:

-Being N-Dubz is about to start. Let’s see how vacant these asshats really are.

-Busy week.

-I want to go.

Right, N-Dubz time. Must not smash TV. Seizure later!

Double Facepalm

World Cup

England:

Wayne Rooney and Frank Lampard display their feelings about the new England kit

In related news, the World Cup needs America. Why? Because they are the best team, playing the best football? Because their fans are the most passionate and entertaining? No, because they have the most money. Scott Gulbransen says that “soccer” is growing in popularity in the US, due to the influx of immigrants bringing the game over (i.e. no American in their right mind would follow it). He says the South African, I repeat AFRICAN, World Cup has a very American feel to it, because the American team is there and some American fans will be too. Vuvuzelas American too? Twat. It’s an African tournament for the continent and it’s all the better for it. “Americans and their wallets – including the large television networks – throw more money at the tournament than everyone else combined”. I see, have some evidence for that Scotty? Facts, figures, yes? What’s that? You have a half eaten KFC megabucket and a 6 pack of Bud to prove your point. Good one, shithead. “For once, this non-soccer fan will be rooting for our US team to kick some arrogant international soccer booty”. Well, not for the first time, this real FOOTBALL fan will be rooting for anyone and everyone to hand your tosspot nations arse to you on a plate, you astonishingly backwards Idiot #7. I just wish it could’ve been us.

However, some Americans have the humour and good nature to poke fun at their lack of football pedigree:

Religious fanaticism

Over here , we mainly hear about hardline Muslims as the fanaticists of the world. But spare a thought for Americans like Jaretta Hamilton, the teacher fired from her Christian school for having pre-marital sex. The school, upon learning she was pregnant, decided to ask when the child was conceived. Realising it was before her marriage to her husband, she was fired. The school wants the case to be dropped and for Jaretta to “consider the testimony of the Lord”. I feel that may not be because they want her to be pure in the eyes of God, but more because they are now regretting initiating a big, fuck off wrongful dismissal lawsuit.

In related news, God obviously hates false idols:

"Father forgive me for I have sinned." "No."

Read all about Touchdown Jesus being smote here.

Cycling

It’s tempting to repeat old stereotypes of cycling, that it’s really boring until there is an über-crash. The problem is, they’re true:

Respect to Mark Cavendish though, who apparently carried on racing the next day after this horrorshow.

Hitler

Gone for 65 years, and he’s still causing a ruckus. It seems the youth of India is gay for Hitler! Slightly surprising given that had those same Indian youths been living in Germany circa 1938, they would’ve been straight on the train to Bergen-Belsen, or another of the death camps, where Hitler killed an awful lot of people. However, this is easily dealt with by Hitler fanboys and fangirls, like Dimple Kumari: “The killing of Jews was not good, but everybody has a positive and negative side”. Well congratulations Dimple for that in-depth psychological assessment stating the bleeding obvious. Just one piece of advice for you love – it will stand you in good stead to maybe, just maybe, give it a bit more thought.

In other news:

-This is why I love science.

-Never seen a dragon fuck a car?

-Casinos 1 – 1 Craig.

Right, time for a jog. Merry weekend, bellsniff.