Fire bulls? Bullshit

Catalan tradition…

It's ok, it doesn't die, we just set it on fire

The Spanish are an odd breed. Good at football, bad at blonde hair. Good at food, bad at not killing stuff for sport. It’s a shame that most of the old Spanish traditions seem to involve some sort of animal getting bashed about; one day, my Basque workmate tried to explain to me some sort of donkey bungee game they play (honest). In some areas of Catalonia, they’re hoping that new anti-bullfighting laws won’t affect their fire bull runs, which involve putting burning torches on a bull’s horns and taunting it for a while. The Spanish are a good people – why do they feel the need to uphold these barbaric traditions? Yes, you may have been doing it for as long as you remember, but that doesn’t make it right. America had been segregating for ages – if they can learn, so can the Spanish. It would be refreshing if instead of whining about tradition (“We are Catalan. We want bulls”), just let it go, si?

Not guilty?

An Israeli soldier has been cleared of all charges after killing a 13 year old girl who strayed too close to an Army command post. The charges brought against him were minor (illegal use of his weapon, conduct unbecoming an officer and perverting the course of justice). This after an innocent girl was annihilated. The historic nature of the Israeli-Arab conflict is both complex and sensitive, but when 13 year old children are being eliminated in cold blood, it’s hardly surprising that Palestinians want to fight back.

Foals

I’m, once again, quite late to the party on this one, but Foals are another band who have really come up with the goods second time around, at least IMHO. Firstly The Horrors, then Noah And The Whale. I got Total Life Forever the other day, and it’s a brilliant record. With strong hints of The Cure and a freshness that elevates the songs, here is the high point – Spanish Sahara:

Pillow case stolen during break-in

No, really.

In other news

-Football Manager Handheld – yeah!

Fallout from the Beckathon.

-Levi Roots makes good tea.

I leave you with this:

“There’s a face. Now, there is a face”. Ta ra.

Islamophobia

Mosque kerfuffle

Please note - not to scale. Or accurate lighting. This picture is a bit of a lie. I just had some goujons

Islamophobia is rife in America. In Gainesville, Florida, a pastor is planning on “commemorating” 9/11 by burning the Qur’an. Sadly, this kind of proclamation isn’t greeted with the outrage that would rise if, say, the Pastor was an Imam and “burning the Qur’an” was “destroying some more skyscrapers”. It’s also a shame that the hatred that caused 9/11 has manifested itself in everyday Americans. This is especially a problem in a country where free speech is so revered that even shithoarders like the pastor of Gainesville get listened to, instead of being buried under stale cheese bread. However, there is hope for the stars and stripes, in people like the current mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg. Speaking on The Daily Show, as hosted by another good Yank, Jon Stewart, Bloomberg spoke the kind of rationality that can only bode well for the future. Apologies for the crappy video, and while the riffing is good, they get down to it after about 2 minutes:
CATBINDUMPWOMANWARCRIMETRAVESTYDUMPLINGOTHER
Tune
Kids at festivals
This bird doesn’t agree with kids at festivals, because they wake her up. I have been woken up by just about every kind of human at many different festivals. Therefore I want no-one at festivals. That’s right, just me and Arcade Fire. Except that would be rubbish. Imagine the awkward crowd banter… “Thank you Glastonbury, you’ve been an awesome… person”. I agree that in some festival circumstances, kids should be kept well clear (I saw a woman frantic because her child was getting bashed about once at a festival. It was the mosh pit in Queens Of The Stone Age. Well, duuuuh). However, Glastonbury and Latitude are two festival that couldn’t be more perfect for kids if they tried. So pipe down.
In other news
-BBQ sauce, yeah.
-Big Brother is getting funny.
-The blog is broke!
Right, it’s winding me up. I’m off in protest. Bye.

Cat lady

No, not the mental one who lives down the street

I was put in a bin too. I am going to fuck someone up. Funny now?

The British public are world renowned for keeping things in perspective. Unbelievably so, a huge kerfuffle has erupted over a woman putting a cat in a bin. The usually calm and moderate readers of such reasonable publications as the Sun have taken umbrage to cat lady, with some Facebook users calling for her to be murdered. It is hardly surprising considering the gravity of her crime against animals, and the unimaginable cruelty that was inflicted on poor Lola.

Meanwhile, this goes on in Spain:

Lucky bull. You lucky fuck. What did you have to deal with? Death as a sport? Being so terrified you tried to escape? Subsequently being shot in the face for risking the lives of those who paid money to be entertained by you losing yours? You should be thanking your lucky bull stars you weren’t a cat in Coventry.

Chilean miners

So, the Chilean miners have been told that they may not be free until Christmas. 99% of me wants this to be resolved in the safest, most rational way possible. However, the remaining 1% of me thinks that this could be the REAL ultimate Big Brother. The Guardian article states that the miners are going to be given antidepressants, and special lighting will be used to imitate night and day. So, picture this – give the miners a shitload of ecstasy, make the day last 25 minutes and night last 25 seconds, and feed the miners only protein shakes. Totally better than Ulrika and Brian Dowling farting about, yeah? (On a serious note, please get out guys).

Streaker with massive tits? Oh

Richard Branson, cool as flip

For his 60th party, Richard Branson had a party. On a surfboard. Attached to a kite. In the English Channel. He is the coolest old guy in the world. His record attempt was only thwarted because it was too dangerous for the boats. He wanted to carry on! Leg and indeed end.

Cyanide and Happiness

My future defence

In other news

-Neck, meet whiplash. Whiplash, neck. Play nice!

-What will Channel 4 do after Big Brother? Good things by the looks of it.

-I love skyscrapers!

Finally, I may be a bit late to the Fuck You party. Fuck You:

Right. Rest for my weary head. Sweet dreams.

Lewis ‘Hoon’ Hamilton

Shouldn’t you be looking elsewhere?

"£288? I've had more expensive farts!"

Lewis Hamilton has been fined £288 for fishtails and burnouts outside the Australian Grand Prix. Why? I’m almost certain the trial cost more than that to run. Also, he’s a race car driver. If I could choose anyone to be fucking around in a car, it would be a professional driver. He should know what he’s doing. The magistrate Clive Alsop said Hamilton “was a role model for young people, and had a responsibility to set a good example”. Erm, I’m not sure I want my children idolising a guy who drives round and round in circles fast.

Actually, I’m being flippant. While I would love my children to win Nobel prizes, an international superstar isn’t all bad. Especially one who took a talent, and with the support of his family, become the best in the world at what he does, through sheer endeavour and effort. So Clive, lay off. Despite his fishtails and burnouts, Hamilton is still a bloody good role model.

More driving woes

Georgios Panayiotou, or George Michael to his mum, is possibly going to jail for reckless driving. Obviously, a prison full of horny buff men is the last place a homosexual man would want to go. Anyway, in the Evening Standard, they had pictures of the branch of Snappy Snaps George smashed into. There was the best bit of graffiti on the battered shopfront. Know what it said? Simply, ‘Wham’.

Simpsons

The Simpsons got tired when I was a kid. But watching it back now, some of the episodes are still very, very funny. My favourite moment ever – Smithers proclaiming “I LOVE BOOBIES!”.

Chris Morris

One of the many reasons why he is a fucking genius:

In other news

CIA spike drinks, town goes mad.

Happy birthday, Mr Connery.

Spot my lecturer!

Right, to bed. My right arse cheek hurts. Cheerio!

Car crash not cool

Thank you Police, not so much 999

Emergency? I'll be the judge of that

Last night my mum and I were in a car crash. It wasn’t a horrific accident, but it was bad enough to spin us round at 60 mph into a hedge. It shook up all of us involved, and the girl who caused it was distraught. However, everyone kept calm, and the police were fantastic. What wasn’t so great was being hung up on by the emergency services. Not what you expect when you call 999. Cheers for that.

Autotwats

X Factor is back. Whoopdefuckingdo. It’s about as welcome a return as that bout of herpes you thought had gone away. And now, the stellar singing competition that prides itself on the quality of the entrants (not their marketability, or sadness of their sob story) has been using Autotune in it’s broadcasts. Autotune is pretty self-explanatory. It turns shit singers slightly less shit. What’s the fucking point of the competition then? It seems that they should just save time, pick the buffest abs, biggest tits, cutest face and most chiseled jaw, autotune the fuck out of them and not bother with the competition. Of course, ITV would collapse and leave a black hole in it’s place, which wouldn’t be all bad. But then Simon Cowell wouldn’t have an outlet for his latest gang of wankstains. So go on Cowell. Autotune to your hearts content. Ruin music some more. Just remember – Rage Against The Machine autotuned jack shit.

9/11 pilots opening celebratory musical theatre show on the graves of every single victim

The dead terrorist pilots who flew the planes that crashed on 9/11 are to open ‘Mamma Mia’ style productions on the graves of every single victim who died almost a decade ago. ‘Abu Hamza’s Terror Bonanza’ aims to bring lightness to a touchy subject, and tell the events from the point of view of the terrorists. Glenn Beck shat himself when he found out.

Oh no, wait. All that’s being built is a community centre, a multi-faith place containing such bomb factories as a basketball court and a swimming pool. Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish. Fox will cause a second American Civil War, you mark my words.

Watches

I love watches. I could buy one a day for the rest of my life and not have enough. I want to start here:

Simple, clean beautiful. Like my undercarriage

In other news

Pope bans dogs. No word on vuvuzelas.

-Chilean miners have been found after 17 days underground. It’s going to take 4 months to tunnel to them. I think they’re going to get a bit horny, and when rescuers finally break through, they’ll all be found in one massive daisy chain. PS -I bloody hope this all ends well.

Paying for sperm? Happy days!

Right, have a butchers – via Beth (happy now?!):

And last but not least – what’s the difference between jam and peanut butter? You can’t peanut butter your cock up a girls arse. G’night.

Bellamy has a heart too

All Craigs are good

January 2009 - some of Man City's new signings were a bit left-field

Craig Bellamy, along with Robbie Savage, Marco Materazzi, and Mark Van Bommel, is one of football’s pantomime villains. Fans love to hate them, and they generally play up to the image. But Bellamy isn’t as one dimensional as his reputation suggests. He is an incredibly gifted footballer, and although he’ll be involved in a title fight this season, it won’t be in the Premiership. While sentimentally and personally, Bellamy’s move to Cardiff was the right one, professionally he will be utterly wasted when he could still playing at the very top level of world football. But that move, eschewing popular opinion, sums Bellamy up. There was also incredulity when Bellamy set up a football foundation in Sierra Leone. However, Bellamy’s generosity has fought past the social and political barriers in the country.  As well as his money, he also invests time, personally interviews all prospective employees of the foundation in the UK. Maybe Bellamy isn’t the fool that opposition fans love to deride. Good on you (and cheers for doing good for Craigs too).

Weatherman dude

Tomasz Schafernaker is a maverick weatherman. In a world of Sian Lloyd and that really annoying Scottish twat on BBC Breakfast, the man who flips the bird live on TV is king:

Read about the rest of his indiscretions here.

Idiot #16

Whoever thought up teaching Harry Potter at Durham University, you’re a fucking attention-seeking tool. There are enough kids out there who won’t get to go to their first choice Uni due to funding cutbacks, without you lot rubbing their faces in it by offering Avada Kedavra as a shitting module. Are there not enough waste of time degrees already? Dicks.

Homophobia and Catholics? Surprise, surprise

Sooooo… Catholics trying to stop gays adopting. Good thing is, they failed. If the press is to be believed, it’s probably best to get the children as far away from the Catholic hierarchy as possible.

In other news

$100,000 for Gordon Brown? I have  plant pot I’ll give you for £100.

Sitting down in the shower – yes, it’s fucked up.

-This is what happened when I heard Westwood might be doing Dancing On Ice:

That happens a fair bit with a woody

And with that, good night.

Bliar?

When nothing is enough

You sexy thing

Tony Blair is to donate all proceeds from his memoirs (available in all good bookshops) to the Royal British Legion. He has been both praised and derided for this move. I personally think it’s a genuinely good gesture, regardless of whether it is a product of guilty conscience or not. Blair has been good at making money off the back of his time in No. 10. This book would’ve made him even more cash – the advance alone was £4.6m. But he has given it all to a worthy cause. The Stop The War Coalition responded thus –

“Tony Blair’s decision to give the money made from his memoirs to the British Legion is welcome if it means that some of those who have suffered as a direct consequence of his criminal wars will benefit. But no proportion of Tony Blair’s massive and ill-gotten fortune can buy him innocence or forgiveness. He took this country to war on a series of lies against the best legal advice and in defiance of majority opinion. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have resulted in the pointless death of hundreds of British soldiers and hundreds and thousands of innocent civilians.”

I would contend most of that. His criminal wars? No. If they were anyone’s, they were Bush’s. Blair took us to war as an ally of America, and was in a position where he couldn’t say no. Ill-gotten fortune? Erm, last I checked he wasn’t mugging elderly ladies to make his way, he was teaching and giving speeches. So, perfectly fair methods of earning a fortune. I agree that he went against a lot of the country’s opinion, but the majority? I’m not sure. I can’t argue that the wars have resulted in huge amounts of deaths, but the Taliban and Saddam Hussein didn’t run the most forgiving of regimes as far as I’m aware. Blair could never please everyone. He could discover the fountain of youth, achieve nirvana and still find time to feed all the world’s poor, and some bright spark would complain about his carbon footprint. People aren’t always all bad. Blair’s donation will directly improve the fortunes of a large number of British service personnel, those who have served in Iraq, Afghanistan, past and future wars. Maybe I’m too sensitive about this coming from a service family, but I can’t see how this is a bad thing.

Die Antwoord

When I first heard this, I thought Goldie Lookin’ Chain mk 2. But then I realised it was Die Antwoord, who I’d read about in Dazed and Confused. I gave it another listen, and quite frankly, it’s fokken alles. Enjoy:

Home births

There’s a bit of a kerfuffle about home births today. An American study has suggested that children are upto three times more likely to die if birth happens at home, not in a hospital. Midwives have responded, saying that the research is flawed. Now, as per usual, I’m no expert. But the way I see it, if you’re at home and your new-born child unexpectedly needs an incubator, you can’t very well pop him/her/it in the Aga. I understand that no birth, hospital or home, is 100% safe. But better safer than sorry, no?

Grandma’s House

Bloody funny. I missed the first one, but I’m pretty sure the DVD will be on my Santa list:

In other news

-If you’ve been a naughty boy and got caught drink-driving, do a “Swann” – blame it on the cat.

-Where’s my iPhone?

-What did the policeman penguin say to the snowman robber? Freeze!

Right. Beddie bye byes.