Herro!

Ronery tyrant, 69, GSOH, seeks attention

Hans Bwix

So, it looks like the divide between the North and South has grown to epic proportions. No, this isn’t a 58 page pullout in the Observer (WE ASK 88 ORGANIC BEEKEEPERS FROM TIVERTON WHY THE NORTH IS SHIT) but the news that North Korea has been attacking Yeonpyeong island, a South Korean territory. Obviously, the North blamed the South, claiming they were attacked first. You know, like the Jews attacked Hitler first. Four South Koreans died in the attacks. World War 3 may well be around the corner. However, the upshot of the crisis is that it provoked Sarah Palin into proving yet again how fundamentally incapable she would be as leader of the free world. When asked how she would handle the situation, she said that the US had to stand by their North Korean allies. When the interviewer said South Korean, she said, yeah, those guys too. Seriously. Whilst Kim is a maniacal despot, I’m sure he’s never given a speech on his hatred of the United States of Australia. Palin should go back to what she does best – some kids need a lift to hockey. Bint.

On the jollier side of things, the Daily mash suggests a big plate of dog chops might sort it out.

Ahaha, hahaha

Football farce

Jose Mourinho is a hero. This week in the Champions League, his Real Madrid team got two players sent off, coincidentally avoiding potentially costly bans later in the competition. You’re born yesterday if you believe Mourinho’s protestations that he knew nothing about what was going on. But the sanctimonious outcry around Europe that resulted is the height of hypocrisy. Take for example, Arsene Wenger who called the episode “horrible”. This is Arsene Wenger, whose captain didn’t open a massive gash in an opposition players’ leg with a vile tackle earlier this year, resulting in said player being taken off the pitch on a stretcher. Whose striker didn’t get banned for diving for a penalty. Who has seen every single controversial incident his players have ever been involved. Who hasn’t elevated himself onto a pedestal of morality he has no fucking right to. Who should not be concentrating on his own team who have started losing a fair few recently and are looking a bit shit. Nope, Arsene, keep whinging, because you definitely don’t come across as a pious, preachy, priggish cunt.

Here’s a football funny:

Angry Birds

As well as being super addictive, it’s now also funny:

In other news

-Long week.

-“Frogs out of her arsehole, milk out of her ears”.

-Take my advice – she’s a shithead.

I can’t wait for Strokes IV. It better be as good as this. Brilliant video:

I try but you see, it’s hard to explain. Sleep tight kiddo.

Twatter

Read this or I’ll blow you sky high

Look at this or I'll blow you sky high

Menace. What, or who is it? Dennis, possibly. Rottweiler, definitely. An accounts manager tweeting clearly hollow threats? Er, no. Yet Paul Chambers, the man who said he’d blow up Doncaster Airport (it’s not Robin Hood airport – he was blates from Nottingham) is having to go to the High Court to try and overturn his conviction. For menace. Here is the tweet in full:

“Crap! Robin Hood airport is closed. You’ve got a week and a bit to get your shit together otherwise I’m blowing the airport sky high!!”

Is that in any way menacing? Clearly not. However, the Crown clearly believes that people like Paul Chambers need punishing. For menace. It’s ridiculous. Chambers poses no risk. He’s as likely to blow up an airport as a pack of laminate flooring from B&Q. Looking purely at the content, there is “menace”. But taken out of context, a twelve year old child saying ‘fuck you’ is a proposition. Chambers was talking in the context of a man who was trying to get laid (he was picking up a ladyfriend from the airport), not a man who was ever going to commit mass murder. He was joking. If in this case the law stands, then the law is clearly an ass. Which I’ll blow sky high!!

Arsene Wenger

Hahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha:

Royal Wedding

Prince William, Kate Middleton – congratulations. Wills is grounded, she is fit. Who cares if it’s at the taxpayers expense? If you don’t like it, go to America. They don’t have a monarchy. Or NHS. Or gun control. Or the BBC. So, if you like not being dead, not getting shot and Eggheads, shut up and wave a flag, you miserable fucks.

The Irish

Now the Irish have a reputation as a care free people, giddy on Guinness, fresh air, and leprechaun dust. Unfortunately for them, they haven’t got two potatoes to rub together. But it’s hardly surprising, given that instead of giving the needy benefits, they’re getting cheese. No lie:

In other news

-Cambridge was fun, and forgetful.

-I really want to go to Tokyo and Cuba.

-Arsene Wenger is still a cunt.

Top tune of the moment:

Right, now I’m off to blow myself up.

What the fuck has Obama done so far?

Obama takes a kicking

Superman, obv.

In the midterm elections, Obama took a pasting. The Democrats lost the House of Representative’s, and only just hung on to the Senate. America could be in gridlock for the next 2 years, after judging that in the 652 days since his inauguration, Obama hadn’t done enough. American’s were asking “What the fuck has Obama done so far?“, a question which this website handily answers. The problem is, although Obama IMHO has done well, he hasn’t hit a home run. I get the feeling that after the monumental wave of optimism the swept him into the White House, he could never win. Take for example, his ongoing trip to Asia in which he takes in India. An erroneous news report, claiming this visit would cost $200m a day, was seized upon in the US, by, surprise surprise, Fox and the right wing media. To put that figure into context, the war in Afghanistan, complete with it’s 100,000 personnel, costs $190m a day. Plus Obama is using the visit to secure $6bn in new business.┬áThe story’s bullshit, the impact isn’t. The odds seem too great, and unfortunately, Obama looks destined to lose, whatever the score.

Zach Galifianakis – hero

Lighting a spliff live on TV elevates anyone immediately to legend status:

Wayne Rooney guy

In case you haven’t noticed, it was Bonfire Night on Friday. Not that the fireworks were restricted to Friday night – it still sounds like the Battle of the Somme outside my house. Traditionally, a guy is burnt on the bonfire, and a publicity-seeking bunch of skullfuckers (can you guess where this one is going?) decided that their guy was going to be a 49ft Wayne Rooney. Why? Have they ever met Rooney? No. Have any of them ever cheated on their partners? Probably. Have any of them ever aspired to higher wages? Certainly. Are they judgmental, hypocritical pricks? I think you can guess where this one is going.

The Emperor

Haile Gebrselassie is to retire from atheltics. He always ran smiling, and was gracious in defeat and victory. Along with this, he has has used his success to help those in his homeland of Ethiopia, employing over 1,000 people. A true great.

In other news

-I hate Bolton.

-I like Seurat.

-This week will be heavy. Oh yeah.

Lastly, I massively want the impending disappointment of U2 headlining Glastonbury to be balanced out by The Rolling Stones being there too:

Gimme shelter from fucking Bono, please.

Jon Stewart > everything

Rally To Restore Sanity And/Or Fear FTW

"GOD HATES FIGS"

 

I love Jon Stewart. America is a huge place, a disparate nation held together by politics and religion – quintessential beliefs that every American views as a right. At Stewart’s rally (where he was ably assisted by Stephen Colbert), no-one was attacked for their values.. Unlike Glenn Beck’s rally, the Sanity Rally aimed to dampen down the volatility that exists within the American media. Whilst a huge amount of people attended – Comedy Central applied for a permit for 60,000, but there were well over 200,000 participants on the day – there was no hysteria. Indeed, the most thought had gone not into provoking a reaction, but into the signs people took. Some of the better ones:

IRAQI-AMERICAN: I’m afraid to get on a plane with myself

GOD HATES FIGS

Though shalt not be douchebags

Whilst the rally wasn’t really about anything in particular, it did what it set out to do. Stewart did live what his show does every night. The reactionary press was lampooned, and everyone had a laugh along with it. Here’s Mr. Stewart to sum up. “If we amplify everything, we hear nothing”. Never a truer word said:

Google Maps

I love Google Maps, especially when it screws up. Here’s how to get from Japan to China. See direction 43:

 

Hop on the jet ski, we're off for some chow-mein

Quick tip – don’t bother

Fate Of The World – a British made computer game about climate change – is released tomorrow. The developers needn’t have bothered. It won’t be fun. Preachy games aren’t. When I play games, I want escapism,, not to be bored with the grim realities of everyday life. I want to manage Lincoln City to Champions League glory, I want to shoot up a bank, I want to buy a shit car, put a big fuck-off spoiler on it, and drive too fast. I do not want to sort out my rubbish into recycling and food waste. Whilst the world may be fucked, I’m pretty sure this game is too.

Lily Allen

I like Lily a lot. She’s talented, ballsy, and swears. Pretty much the ideal woman. So it’s really upsetting news that she has miscarried a second time. Get well soon Lily. No one deserves that kind of tragedy.

In other news

-You too, Danny Baker.

-Good weekend.

-It was never, ever a goal.

Finally, I love www.hypem.com. Collating buzz from music blogs, it’s a great way to find new music. Tops of some earlier foraging was Blackbird Blackbird:

Rightys. Sleep may be a good idea. Night all.