Humility? That’s a new one Sepp

Fair play

Kudos Sepp Blatter. As the head honcho of FIFA who personally witnessed the aberration that was the no goal decision in the England match, I fully expected him to come out and cover his own back. It would’ve been no surprise if Blatter had released a press statement reading like so – “Well, the ball may have crossed the line, but Matthew Upson? I mean, Capello, what the fuck? So you’re losing 4-1. And you bring on… Heskey? His scoring record is worse than Susan Boyle’s on the moon! You daft Italian twunt. PS Fifa rock”. But, Sepp has come out and apologised for the error. Fully apologised too, not that bullshit “Sorry, but it was still your fault” apology. “Personally I deplore it when you see evident referee mistakes but it’s not the end of a competition or the end of football, this can happen. The only thing I can do is yesterday I have spoken to the two federations [England and Mexico] directly concerned by referees’s mistakes. I have expressed to them apologies and I understand they are not happy and that people are criticising”. Fair play to Sepp.

Fair play is more than can be said to the German goalie Manuel Neuer. He has admitted deceiving the referee after seeing Frank Lampard’s shot cannon off the crossbar and over the line in Sunday’s match. Now, call me an idealist but maybe he could’ve put his hands up and told the ref the ball crossed the line instead of trying his best to con him. I went to a match between Nottingham Forest and Leicester, two fierce rivals. Forest were 1-0 up at half-time when a Leicester player had a heart attack in the changing room, and the match was abandoned. When the rematch was played, Leicester let Forest score a goal straight away. It wasn’t asked for, or compulsory – it was a good sporting gesture. There was also this from Paulo Di Canio, which won him both fair play awards and respect from all followers of football:

Again, this may be the dreamer in me, but why couldn’t Neuer have displayed the same sportsmanship as Leicester and Di Canio? Neither of those games were on the scale of a knockout World Cup match, but really, what’s the difference? When it comes down to it, all examples were just one team versus another. Neuer had a huge chance to show the world that football is more than money and deception and winning whatever the costs, whatever morals you leave on the sidelines. But he chose not too. Whenever I’m with people who slag off football for being corrupt and bloated and overhyped, players and officials like Neuer make it harder to defend the sport I love the most. People like Neuer let down the game, the fans, and most blatantly, themselves. Manuel Neuer, join Thierry Henry, Diego Maradona, Rivaldo and all the other players who may have winners medals, but have fuck all integrity.

Sorry for the morality rant.

One of these days…

If this car was a woman, it would be a naked Kirsten Dunst. On my face.

I mean, seriously. I said yesterday I don’t understand art. To me, this car is art. The Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG. It’s an incredible fusion of automative engineering, state-of-the-art technology and mind-blowingly beautiful design. It brings together the best of human aspiration, talent and achievement, from so many different fields. I’d love to own one. One day, Mcleod. One day.

However, these are my new wheels:

SWEET

*It’s bigger in real life. Honest.

The Cure

I’m gay for The Cure at the mo. What a tune:

There is a very real part of me that wishes that music was like it was in the 80’s, both the trends and the way it was discovered. Nowadays it’s so easy and fashionable to make an MP3 in your bedroom, and whack it on the internet. There is so much crap out there it’s unreal! At least back then, you knew if a band were signed, they were good. And the music – The Cure, The Smiths, New Order, Duran Duran, Culture Club, Visage, Ultravox, Genesis… now it’s Scouting For Girls and Jack Johnson. Balls to that.

My thoughts exactly

What's a mormon?

In other news:

-After watching Love The Beast, I have a new found respect for Eric Bana.

KERRY KATONA SEX TAPE

-Bye bye Cristiano, you vain egotistical douche.

Right, bloody hell. Bedtime again. Cheery bye ballsacks.


Advertisements

So they had their chance…

and England blew it

South Africa is famed around the world for its coastline, Mandela, springbok. For English football fans, disappointment can now be added to that list. The players disappointed, the coach disappointed, and the results were the biggest disappointment of all. But despite all that, the biggest let down of all was the standard of the officials. Regardless of the fact that England were abject in the first 30 minutes of the match, Frank Lampard scored a perfectly legitimate goal. Anyone with any knowledge of basic chaos theory can tell you that this doesn’t mean the final score would’ve been 4-2. It could’ve been 3-2 to England or 10-5 to Germany. Wayne Rooney could’ve got a hat-trick. Fabio Capello could’ve turned into a T-Rex and gone on a killing spree. A German win was by far the more likely result, but it’s a travesty that such amateurish decisions were made in the biggest football tournament on the biggest stage. Be that as it may, England were fucking terrible – maybe Gareth Barry’s turdiness rubbed off on the officials. Incidentally, it wasn’t just the English who were hard done by. The Mexicans were robbed.

Here’s a Daily Mash take on the inevitable video technology debate.

And, bitter much Americans?

USA WINS 1-1... oh right, you were only pretending to give a shit. I get it.

Tinashé

Remember the beautiful Tinashé song,” Zambezi”, from a couple of weeks ago? Well, this is the e.p. version:

It’s like someone crossed the Lord’s Prayer with “Tenderoni”, and it’s brilliant!

Glenn Beck

Right wing cuntosaurus Glenn Beck (of “Michael J. Fox is milking Parkinson’s” fame) has released a novel in the US. He has no writing talent whatsoever – “Without a doubt, all the goodies were in all the right places, but no mere scale of one to 10 was going to do the job this time” ? I mean, if you had a million monkeys with a million typewriters, you could take their fecal matter and microwave it, and it would read better. Add to that the damning reviews, and you would’ve thought that the book would be a massive failure, yes? No. #1 bestseller. It so easy to see the rational party in the US. The Democrats question Obama, asking if he is doing enough to merit the presidency. The Republicans buy Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin books. That is proof enough that when it comes to Republicans, all the goodies are definitely not in the right place.

I don’t get art

I never have. I saw this about some fighter planes in the Tate, and I just thought, what’s the point? What is your message? What are these planes trying to provoke us to think? The author of the piece, Adrian Searle, keeps banging on about how phallic the planes are. Really? How much cock have you seen? The only thing phallic about that plane lying on it’s roof is that it looks a bit like a floppy dick. Yes the planes are powerful, and Searle tries to say that their taking out of context shows how this power is “mutable”. Right, well to me that’s like sticking a worn out car battery in a room, and saying “ooh, look how much power it had”. Apparently, the planes are “inescapably sexy”. Well, they’re lumps of metal. Whatever floats your boat. This passage sums up how incredulous art makes me feel – “The Jaguar has been stripped of its paintwork and polished to a reflective aluminium shine. Somewhere between evil hypodermic and swordfish, it injects itself into the space, and might almost disappear among its reflections. I’ll be honest: I found the confrontation a turn-on”. Might almost disappear? WTF? How much matter do you know that just disappears? To be honest, all this piece told me was that Searle has a boner for planes.”Her fighter planes have become images of power as well as impotence – and, therefore, of art itself“. I think her planes are more firing blanks than cocksure stud. And do me a favour Adrian? Give over with all the dick imagery. You can’t sex up a spade. Don’t try.

In other news:

-If Brazil or Argentina don’t win the World Cup, you’ll eat my hat.

-I scored tonight.

-Despite how shit they have gone, Kings Of Leon still have some fantastic songs. Love the video too:

Right, I need to sleep. Nighty night.

Hello bedroom

Blurgh

This week has been berserker. Just got invited out AGAIN. No chance. Although last night was a corker, especially because of this very NSFW video. Sorry.

Idiot #8

Lee Ryan, once of Blue, tweeted this:

Where to begin?

You could take the gubbins from Kerry Katona’s lipo, microwave it, and it would would be more coherent. Some people should stick to talking about dust and toenails. Lee Ryan, I’m looking at you.

Modern Toss

Modern Toss is fucking funny:

Now they’re doing an exhibition!

"Measure that you pencil-pushing cunt"

It’s on until July the 4th at the Maverik Showroom on Redchurch Street, London. Get down there!

Structures

Things that continually amaze me – buildings, bridges and the like. Two of my faves at the moment:

Citigroup Center, NYC

Urban skiing - yet to take off

Turning Torso, Malmo

Cool as fuck

Turning Torso in Malmo is really reminiscent of the Bridge of Aspiration in Covent Garden. It connects the Royal Ballet School with the Royal Opera House, and just sits in a side street looking incredible. It’s fanfuckingtastic:

Out the station, turn right, and left into Floral Street. Look up, agog

Cranes can also be cool, except when they’re killing other cranes:

Football comedy

In other news:

-You’re right, Sunshine is a fucking stupid name.

-Red Stripe, where have you been all my life?

-Thom Yorke, secret set at Glastonbury? Fuck. Fucking Bono made me not go and now it’s fucking awesome. AAGH, I hate the Irish bellend.

Oui oui oui, time for Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Shopping tomorrow. Payday is the tits!

Give them a chance, yeah?

More World Cup

Yeah, we didn’t win again. But as I have previously said, this is what is making this World Cup really interesting. So far the only favourites to win both their matches are Brazil and Argentina. Spain and Germany have both lost, the French are all but out, and even the current world champions have the same record as England – against weaker teams. It seems to be forgotten that the US beat Spain last year and Algeria are the champions of Africa. And no-one wins anything after two games, and we can still get through the group with a win over Slovenia. So pipe down – it’s not over yet.

On a similar theme, it fucks me off no end when I hear people who have no idea spouting shit like “millionaire playboys who have no pride in the shirt”. None of the England footballers are saints. But they have set up their own charity, and in this World Cup alone will raise over £1m for good causes. This is because, since 2007, they have donated all their match fees to charity. I am not painting them as moral superheroes, and to a man they can afford to give the cash away. But it is a gesture in the right vein, and they don’t have to do it. When they wear the shirt, they do it with pride, as much as I have when I watch the team as a genuine football fan. So again – pipe down.

On a lighter note, please see this, as brought to my attention by Gareth Harper:

This is also the music to every Nickelback song ever

Also this is funny, especially the Peter Crouch description – “agitated by Franco Baldini’s morning ritual of asking: “What’s the weather like up there?” And Capello calling him “robot crisps man””.

Fox hysteria

Foxes are killing babies! Or that is what our bullshit loving media would have us believe. Yes, there have been about three attacks in recent weeks (I don’t recall any others before then). But the most recent incident is frankly preposterous. A 3 year old has been bitten after stroking/pulling a foxes tail. I feel for the fox! It’s a wild animal, and some little kid comes after his tail? I’m not surprised he bit the little fucker. Good on foxy.

Here‘s the Daily Mash take on the foxes.

Big Brother

The toff Ben is taking a beating. I feel really sorry for him! He’s just a bit too sensitive for the house. Shabby is a cockend. It’s enthralling!

Andrew W.K.

Corker of a song:

Totally agree with the sentiments of bucktoofus – “this makes me want to party till my dick shoots flames”.

Green & Blacks

Yum yum yum. Butterscotch please:

As Juliet said to Romeo - "Get inside me"

Angry camels

In other news:

-Being N-Dubz is about to start. Let’s see how vacant these asshats really are.

-Busy week.

-I want to go.

Right, N-Dubz time. Must not smash TV. Seizure later!

Double Facepalm

World Cup

England:

Wayne Rooney and Frank Lampard display their feelings about the new England kit

In related news, the World Cup needs America. Why? Because they are the best team, playing the best football? Because their fans are the most passionate and entertaining? No, because they have the most money. Scott Gulbransen says that “soccer” is growing in popularity in the US, due to the influx of immigrants bringing the game over (i.e. no American in their right mind would follow it). He says the South African, I repeat AFRICAN, World Cup has a very American feel to it, because the American team is there and some American fans will be too. Vuvuzelas American too? Twat. It’s an African tournament for the continent and it’s all the better for it. “Americans and their wallets – including the large television networks – throw more money at the tournament than everyone else combined”. I see, have some evidence for that Scotty? Facts, figures, yes? What’s that? You have a half eaten KFC megabucket and a 6 pack of Bud to prove your point. Good one, shithead. “For once, this non-soccer fan will be rooting for our US team to kick some arrogant international soccer booty”. Well, not for the first time, this real FOOTBALL fan will be rooting for anyone and everyone to hand your tosspot nations arse to you on a plate, you astonishingly backwards Idiot #7. I just wish it could’ve been us.

However, some Americans have the humour and good nature to poke fun at their lack of football pedigree:

Religious fanaticism

Over here , we mainly hear about hardline Muslims as the fanaticists of the world. But spare a thought for Americans like Jaretta Hamilton, the teacher fired from her Christian school for having pre-marital sex. The school, upon learning she was pregnant, decided to ask when the child was conceived. Realising it was before her marriage to her husband, she was fired. The school wants the case to be dropped and for Jaretta to “consider the testimony of the Lord”. I feel that may not be because they want her to be pure in the eyes of God, but more because they are now regretting initiating a big, fuck off wrongful dismissal lawsuit.

In related news, God obviously hates false idols:

"Father forgive me for I have sinned." "No."

Read all about Touchdown Jesus being smote here.

Cycling

It’s tempting to repeat old stereotypes of cycling, that it’s really boring until there is an über-crash. The problem is, they’re true:

Respect to Mark Cavendish though, who apparently carried on racing the next day after this horrorshow.

Hitler

Gone for 65 years, and he’s still causing a ruckus. It seems the youth of India is gay for Hitler! Slightly surprising given that had those same Indian youths been living in Germany circa 1938, they would’ve been straight on the train to Bergen-Belsen, or another of the death camps, where Hitler killed an awful lot of people. However, this is easily dealt with by Hitler fanboys and fangirls, like Dimple Kumari: “The killing of Jews was not good, but everybody has a positive and negative side”. Well congratulations Dimple for that in-depth psychological assessment stating the bleeding obvious. Just one piece of advice for you love – it will stand you in good stead to maybe, just maybe, give it a bit more thought.

In other news:

-This is why I love science.

-Never seen a dragon fuck a car?

-Casinos 1 – 1 Craig.

Right, time for a jog. Merry weekend, bellsniff.

Dappy you hard nut

Idiot #6

Yes, Dappy of N-Dubz fame, it’s you. Channel 4 and it’s affiliate broadcast some excellent television (my faves – The Daily Show, the True Stories series of documentaries and Inside Nature’s Giants). For some unknown reason, the programming execs thought that C4 was missing a programme about 3 fuckwits making music that sounds like a retarded goat stamping on a gameboy. That’s why they commissioned Being… N-Dubz, in which Dappy talks about how he lies to police, and dodges train fares. Next he’ll be telling us how he wrote “mr smith sux dik” on his desk in Maths in 1997. Last time Dappy was in the news, he’d copied a listeners phone number off a computer screen at Radio  1, and threatened her, all because she had the temerity to criticise his crappy music. He obviously feels the need to show just how big a fish he is – the problem is, the pond is very small (well, he’s the only one in it). And it’s full of shit.

Dappy joke: Rapper Dappy has spoken about how he routinely lies to the police.

“Occupation sir?”

“Err, entertainer.”

World Cup

Spain – su equipo es tremendo mierda! Really good game earlier -Spain with alot of possession, and the Swiss counter-attacking with vim and vigour and nearly adding to their goal. Many of the commentators and pundits have been quick to write off this World Cup as of poor quality and lacking in goals. But I think this World Cup is great! The favourites have lost their first game, strong teams are drawing against (supposedly) weaker ones and North Korea almost got a point from Brazil! Personally, I’d rather it be a bit unpredictable and the quality not be there. A semi-final line-up of Brazil, Italy, Argentina and Spain would probably produce beautiful football, but this is a cup competition and it’s cracking that after the first round of games, we are none the wiser as to who may win. Game on!

Adidas

Yeah, Adidas is a bit chavvy, but they don’t half make a good advert. Where else can you see Snoop Dogg wielding a lightsaber?

What’s the coolest way to pull a tooth?

This way:

Bad paintings of Barack Obama

Dappy is shit at art too

In other news:

-I’m really liking Big Brother, it’s worrying.

-I also like graze.

-And one day, I want to fall in love like in this song:

Right, j’ai washing to hang up. Au revoir!

Nicolas Cage – the perv

Animal sex

Nicholas Cage only eats animals that make love – not those who fuck. “I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex. I think fish are very dignified with sex. So are birds”. This rules out pork, and Kerry Katona (any sex involving her is nasty). Now you may be thinking bullshit (and to be honest, I don’t blame you), but consider Cage’s past form for bucking trends and this bizarre story may actually hold some truth. He dropped his famous film surname of Coppola, and last year turned on Bath’s Christmas lights. But it must be odd to feel hungry, then flick on the Discovery Channel to see what’s shagging gracefully.

Moley moley mole

According to reports today, moles are bad news. Not for the environment, but for us. They dig up farmland, damaging machinery, and make our garden lawns look naff. So we’re killing them. Badgers can transmit bovine TB, so we’re offing a load of them too. Seals eat the fish that we’ve overfished, so they bite the bullet (literally). It’s not right that for a Wimbledon-style patch of grass you can pay someone to kill a mole. It’s not right that because we’re impinging on the badger’s natural habitat they can be killed. It’s not right that to heal the damage we’ve done to fish stocks, 325,000 seals died last year. But there you go, we’re selfish.

Sol Campbell ends up in next week

Vader porn

Many thanks to Matt Guthrie who brought this small bit of genius to my attention:

Next week: Leia and the Ewok Tampon

This is just plain wrong also (don’t worry Sooz – not like last time).

In other news:

-Inside Nature’s Giants and Big Brother are at completely opposite ends of the TV spectrum, and both are brilliant. Sunshine is a total fucktard.

-North Korea just won me a tenner – thanks Kim Jong-Il!

-I like a bit of Olfar:

Right. I’m off to hone my lavatorial sense of humour. Byeee!