Stop Football

Fifa wallow in mud, pat backs

Yeah, and Shipman's game was bingo

Anyone who reads my blog ever knows I love football. Despite all the talk last week being about Ryan Giggs and his wayward penis, Saturday’s Champions League final was a feast. Barcelona were pushed but ultimately showed their class against a lacklustre Manchester United team. And yet Fifa are doing everything they can to undermine the on-the-pitch goodies.

Election for the presidency of Fifa is due to take place tomorrow, yet it is already a farce. Sepp Blatter, the incumbent shit-doesn’t-stick-to-me President will stand unopposed after his opponent, Mohamed Bin Hammam, was suspended due to bribery allegations. The timing of this suspension had NOTHING to do with the upcoming election. Not that Hammam looks innocent. He admits passing on cash, but insists it was expenses money for the extraordinary meeting he called. Yeah, sure.

Head of the CONCACAF region, Jack Warner, has also been suspended. Incredibly, he has urged voters in his region to support Blatter, even after he  said Blatter must be stopped. It’s also widely known that last years World Cup host vote was a fix. And 86% of Swiss people surveyed for a national newspaper believed Blatter is corrupt. So what now? Unfortunately, it seems like the whole tree is rotten. In all probability, it’s going to fall. If it comes down on the field of play, we might as well give up now.

Away from the dark comedy of the Fifa shitstorm, one of football’s modern greats quietly gave up the game. Paul Scholes was a terrible tackler, gave up on England at the height of his talent and was ginger. And yet, he was one of the greats of the game, earning platitudes from such exceptional peers as Zidane, Xavi and Henry. Yet for me, his finest moment came on a spring day in Bradford. Scholes, I salute you:

Senna

What if he were alive today. I can’t wait to see this:

More injunction gubbins

Another anonymous twitter user has been revealing supposed superinjunctions. Am I in breach of the law for passing this on? I have no idea. I hope so. Come after me. I’ll write a jail book, and make a mint.

So anyway, apparently footballer Gareth Barry has one out to hide an affair (apologies to any of my twitter followers if this is a bit familiar). Barry is soooo boring, both in style of play and personality. This affair (if true) would be the most interesting thing he’s ever been caught up in. So Gareth, you heard it from me first – go through them like a train. At least you’re doing something.

I feel sorry for those sports stars who are interesting. Lewis Hamilton joked at the weekend that he may be prone to stewards enquiries because he is black. I emphasise JOKED. He said it with his tongue so far in his cheek it was practically licking his ear drum. Yet, he’s had to apologise. And Formula 1 wonders why people call it boring?

sexymp.co.uk

So the above website is causing some consternation. Pious as peaches Lib Dem blogger Paul Walter wrote the following:

“Young people’s political ambitions are, almost invariably, shaped by role models.

“Those role models should be held up for their passion and views, not looks.”

Mr Walter, kindly put your toys back in your pram. Just because you ming doesn’t mean we can’t ogle a little:

*vomit*

In short, it’s fun. Enjoy it while it lasts.

In other news

-Too little, too late.

-Suppose that’s one way to stop a rapist.

-Burblings? Really?

Saw these darlings on Later… and really liked them:

Yuck.

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Ungagged

The antisecret is out

No shit

So, it was Ryan Giggs after all. In other news, bears and woods, Pope and hats, Adele and cake. He’s been shagging Imogen Thomas behind his wife’s back. And now we all conclusively know.

Of course, we all had a right to this information. I know my bed felt warmer, my toast crunchier, and my toilet paper more comforting with the knowledge of someone I have never met’s sex life safely lodged in my brain. This information was disclosed to Parliament by the MP John Hemming.

Hemming was fully aware that he was exempt from the Contempt of Court charge that could have been levied due to Parliamentary privilege. I would argue he is an attention seeker. After all, did anyone know who he was before this affair? Also, pot, kettle, black – Hemming has a love child and his wife estimates he has had around 26 affairs.

So the guy concerned is morally bankrupt, as is the elected member of Parliament who exposed him. What about the people who wanted to break the injunction – namely The Sun and Imogen Thomas? (By the way, I’m assuming she wanted to go to the papers, being named as a joint defendant in the court case with The Sun). Well, Justice Eady who issued the superinjunction in the first place and is the only person to have heard all available evidence, decided “that there was ample reason not to trust Ms. Thomas“. (Read the whole judgement – properly interesting). So she is dubious too. And The Sun? Well if you’re looking to them for guidance, you may as well give Gary Glitter a call about the babysitting.

Ryan Giggs was an idiot, and I feel sorry for his wife and family. But there was no public interest served by revealing his private life to the world. He will be remembered as a love rat by many, not as the most successful footballer of the Premiership era. It’s a shame for him, and a shame on us. But there you go. At least we had a good view from our high horses.

Giggs as I think of him:

I don’t know what this is…

…but it could be the greatest sport ever. And once again, thank you Japan:

Ian Tomlinson

The Pc who pushed Ian Tomlinson to the floor, Simon Harwood, will stand trial for manslaughter. Following on from the enquiry which found he was unlawfully killed, this was the logical step. It may have taken some time, but justice may now be served. Ian Tomlinson may have been an alcoholic, not fully in control of his actions, but Harwood should have been. The police are there to protect the populace, not bring them to harm. Hopefully, this trial will set a precedent which will ensure the police stick to that guiding principle.

Q magazine

300 issues old, largely irrelevant, but still publishers of one of my favourite pop photos ever. Hello cutie:

Mefknoww

In other news

-No apocalypse. Yuh think?

Incredible shot.

-Yeah, that’s me in the letters section.

New Horrors. LOVE THIS BAND:

Sublime. Goodnight.

Planks

Slow news week more like

I won't take this lying down

Now it has claimed it’s first victim“… what, do you think, is being discussed here by the Guardian? A new designer drug? A hyper-evolved future tiger? Jordan’s muff? No. Planking. Or the Lying Down game.

It’s pretty obvious that after the Wedding and death of Osama, there is sweet f.a. to talk about. Therefore, one death while participating in a new craze is making worldwide headlines. Why, exactly? And why on Earth is the Australian Prime Minister talking about it, and not, say, RUNNING HER FUCKING COUNTRY?

Planking is a social media phenomenon, whereby one lies down in an unusual location and has their picture taken. An Australian has died attempting to do this on a seventh story balcony. Now, veritable news stories across the globe are discussing the trend, and politicians are seriously commentating on it.

But was it death by planking? Has it actually claimed a life? Is it worthy of all this debate? Well… no. The man who died had been drinking, and was in an elevated place. Simple as. He isn’t the first and won’t be the last to perish as a result of intoxication and heights. Tragedy, yes. Newsworthy? Never.

As someone who pays tax and therefore funds the BBC, I would very much like them to focus on the news, even when it’s not exactly riveting. And although I’m not Australian, I’d like to think world leaders might have slightly better things to do. People drinking, falling and dying is nothing new. Sort it out, yeah?

Trumpballs

So, Donald Trump is not going to stand for the American presidency. After getting owned by Obama twice in recent weeks, this is hardly surprising, as he had less credibility than his ridiculous toupee. Methinks it is basically a run-off between Obama and Sarah Palin, but I hope the following video is an omen of what may happen. Liberal, intelligent reasoning from John Stewart absolutely munches right-wing fanaticism from Bill O’Reilly (cheers to dvdhth for the reference):

Bob Crow, piss off

We MIGHT get a strike free Olympics on the tube. Cheers, you twats. Why can’t you guarantee it? The Olympics is supposed to showcase Britain – how much damage might a tube strike do? It’s so counterintuitive, and popular opinion seems to be turning against Bob Crow as it is. London Underground employees have already rejected a 4% pay rise – millions of employees (myself included) got nothing or even pay cuts. So stop mugging us off and at least make the Olympics run well, even if day to day public transport is a fucking shambles.

Ming Ming

The world’s oldest panda, Ming Ming, has died. Eerily, this echoes an episode of Scrubs that is years old:

In other news

-Bloody love strawberries.

LA Noire looks really amazing. Can’t wait til payday.

-Liv just nearly burnt the flat down. AAAGH!

Love this song, and the album too. Great for running to Hackney:

I’ve never seen someone who looks like you.

Osexy bin Laden

Osama was a man – who knew?

Just out of shot - 'The Human Sexipede'

News has broken that a considerable stash of blue movies was found in the compound where OBL was assassinated nearly 2 weeks ago. Osama, underneath all the murderous vitriol, may well have just been your average guy. I imagine his day being something like this:

8am – Wake up, feel rough. Need to pee, don’t want to get up.

9am – Have peed. Had a shower, lots of fluff in arse crack.

10am – Breakfast. Krave, this stuff is amazing.

11am – What does anyone do at this time of day? It’s useless.

1pm – Lunch. Wife #3 ate all the peanut butter, so I chop off her hands.

2pm – Jeremy Kyle repeat on ITV2, laugh at Scottish junkies. I grew that shit!

3pm – Countdown. The conundrum was truculent. Fap over the maths girl.

4pm – Wives comes home with 12 children. Lock myself in toilet and play Angry Birds for 45 minutes.

5pm – Dinner. Rice again. I asked for fajitas, and wife #7 disobeyed. Chop off her hands.

6pm – Who’s that handsome devil on the box? Me, that’s who.

7pm – Just For Men my beard.

8pm – Watching El Clasico. Allah, I hate Ronaldo.

10pm – Family Guy double bill, then bed. Stick on some Tera Patrick, fap again. Dream of 72 virgins.

Superinjunctions

The whole superinjunction issue has been rearing it’s frankly ridiculous head again. The Premiership footballer who’d been knobbing Imogen from Big Brother has been named abroad (hint – SGGIG NAYR allegedly) but I see both sides of the coin. It’s very dangerous in a free country to be gagging the press. But I can also feel that people in the public eye can still expect a private life. All the rubbish about “right to know” is just that. We as a society enjoy titillation, pure and simple. Other people’s dirty laundry is our water cooler chat, our free paper fodder and our filthy joke inspiration. If a celeb sells their family image and then reneges on that with a hooker, that’s news. But if a private person in the public eye has a social life or sexual preferences that would sell papers, it doesn’t necessitate being published.

That being said, the superinjunction debate did make Guido Fawkes say dildo on Sky News:

Coke sex

Congrats to the ad-man who snuck this into an 80s Coke campaign:

... and a can of cock please

Andy Gray’s revenge

Fkn funny:

In other news

Seriously tempted.

-I do love my skittles sours.

Miss Lincolnshire – 5 contenders, and Mrs. BFG.

Dave took me to see The Antlers yesterday, and they were colossal. Just a cracking gig. My highlight:

What a band. WHAT A FUCKING BAND.

Gobama

4 more years, yeah? And get me a sandwich too.

New Yorkers at Ground Zero celebrate Bin Laden's death

Crikey. What a news weekend. After the good time feeling of the Royal Wedding (including this extraordinary picture the Beeb cobbled together), it seemed that nothing could possibly knock it off the front pages. It was the biggest media event since 9/11, until the orchestrator was got. Gee whizz.

Osama bin Laden is dead, announced to the world by Barack Obama. A while ago, I wrote that he may never be able to live up to the euphoric wave that swept him into the White House, that he was doing well but hadn’t hit a home run. Well, I was wrong. He just won EVERYTHING. If he doesn’t get 4 more years now, he’ll have seriously messed up. Like epic fail squared.

He’d already had a good weekend. This came from my good buddy, Dave, and shows Obama pretty much fisting Donald Trump:

Of course, whilst one event is historic and another fucking hilarious, neither job is over. Al-Qaeda will still plot attacks on the West, and the Republican Party, either with Trump or Sarah Palin, will still look to oust Obama in 2012. But he looks surer, stronger, and more presidential than ever before, and that can only be a good thing.

A few asides. The difference between the coverage on 9/11 and now is an illustration of how reporting the news has changed. Back then, the large networks dominated the breaking news, with only a few contributions from onlookers. With bin Laden’s death, an IT Consultant live blogged the whole event, unknowingly. It’s frankly amazing. Also, this interview with bin Laden from 1999 is remarkable, especially given the events of the next decade or so. And finally, THE most Freudian of Freudian slips:

Sarah Palin literally creamed herself seeing this

Copulate thyself

Via munkeymomo:

Even better than Cee Lo

CHUNKY

Fancy

This site is awesome. It is a design led tumblresque feed, constantly updated with cool stuff. I can’t get enough of it. This Steve Jobs iPhone case is brilliant:

"Dammit Bill, I'm not coming to Microsoft"

In other news

-Back to work, boo.

-Excited as fuck for Glasto. WOOP!

-We are NOT going down.

Am liking this a lot:

I won’t quit, ’cause I want more. Ta-ra.