Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a little insane. Election fixing, Jew hating and now he’s 9/11 denying. Causing a mass walkout at the UN isn’t all that bad though compared to the monster war he seems to be angling for. While the politics of the Middle East is not a strong point of mine, the thought of him bombing the fuck out of everyone he doesn’t like, then everyone bombing the fuck out of him back, is pretty scary. Especially when you see the consequences of nuclear explosions. This NY Times collection of atom bomb pictures is disturbingly beautiful and chilling all at once. Hopefully, scenes like that will never be seen again.
Some beautiful music
As seen in the This Is England ’86 ads:
Chile miners
The logistics behind getting the Chilean miners back to the surface are being set in place. The miners are training and the equipment is soon to be functional. Let’s hope they’re out before Christmas. In the meantime, here’s a joke – the miners challenged me to a fight over walkie talkie, but I refuse to lower myself to their level.
Chris Moyles has been sounding off on air due to not being paid his wages. So what, he gets paid a shitload anyway, yeah? Well, no. Not getting paid is shit. If you do a job, you deserve your money for that. It doesn’t matter how large or small your wage is. Moyles might get paid twenty times as much as a normal person, but his outgoings are probably twenty times a normal person’s as well. Whether or not you like his style (I reckon once he gets a bit old and moved to Radio 2 away from rubbish playlists, he’ll be a brilliant broadcaster, but enough of that tangent) the man should be paid. If you choose to take someone on, or piss them off, it’s probably best to make sure they don’t have a soapbox with 8 million listeners. Sort it out Beeb – let the man do his job.
Chrysler building
It’s pictures like this that make me gay for architecture:
The Bajau people can spend their whole lives on tiny boats. A Guardian photographer documented their lifestyle, and while you can see the photos here, I have to put this picture up. Pure, unbridled, childish joy:
So, Lady Gaga was wearing a meat dress as a protest against Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, the archaic policy of the US military effectively outlawing openly gay Americans from serving in the armed forces. Whilst I don’t quite get the imagery, I admire Gaga for the protest and following video:
DADT was brought in by President Clinton in 1993 as a halfway house between no gays and openly homosexual soldiers. Since then 13,000 soldiers have been discharged due to their sexuality. Since 1993, it should’ve been totally repealed, but that was hardly going to happen with Dubya in charge. Obama needs to sort it out and go the whole hog, because gays can shoot guns, and homophobia is a bad as racism. So, thanks in part to Gaga, the ball is in Barack’s court. Your turn.
Idiot #18
Sam Allardyce, you are a dick. You couldn’t manage Manchester United, or Real Madrid, because you’re shit. You’re not ‘more suited’ to them, because you make Christopher Samba your captain. Your football teams rely mainly on primitive tactics, fouls and intimidating enforcers. If, as ludicrous as it sounds, you become England manager, ever, I’m going to follow up on my Pakistani roots (Granddad was born there). Pakistan would have more chance of winning anything than us. Fuck off, big fat talentless wank stain Sam.
Pope go home
The Pope has gone. Thank God (irony). This is what our money paid for:
Money well spent
That’s right. Spraying grass green. And since when did you need a pilgrim leader to watch a state visit? Horseshit.
Tourettes karaoke
You shouldn’t laugh, but you will:
And again:
In other news
-Going to my first North London derby. Very excited!
Lady Gaga has caused outcry after wearing a dress made from meat to the VMAs. This isn’t the first time Gaga has been in the news due to surprising meat. I object to her attire on two fronts, neither of which are anything to do with animal welfare. 1) That meat looks tasty – I could’ve had that. 2) Some poor sod had to sit next to her, smelling like road kill. PETA have come out and condemned her fashion. It’s noticeable that they said fuck all about Cher and her monstrous leather boots (see the pic in the linked Guardian article). Why not? Because Cher is completely irrelevant when placed next to Gaga, the very modern media icon. PETA’s objections to the dress are pretty baseless – they’re just after the cheap publicity. Not that needless butchery of animals is right. But this is just a stunt taken way too seriously. Storm in a meat purse? I think so.
Being a dickhead’s cool
You heard it here first:
Papal visit and such
Here comes the Pope. He should really go home. The visit is costing the UK upto £20m in security costs and so on. That’s a years wages for 100 squaddies, teaching assistants, carers. It’s a waste. Plus the Pope has pretty archaic views on abortion, contraception, and homosexuality. Then there’s that key tenet of Catholicism – ‘thou shalt be allowed to fuck a child and get away with it, particularly if it happened in the 70s and you’re a bit old now’. The Catholic church has covered up endemic child abuse, and over half of the priests who have served a year or more for paedophilic crimes since 2001 still enjoy the benefits of priesthood. Can you think of any other organisation that deals with children and would cover up their harm so exhaustively? The visit is causing more hassle than it needs to, and is an insult to all those who have been harmed by the clergy. Maybe when the abuse has been comprehensively dealt with, and he brings his views to the present times, then we should welcome the Pope. But not now, IMHO.
There is only one good thing about this visit – the Pope looks like a gay cowboy:
Brokeback 2 had found it's replacement for the late Heath Ledger
What turns a public schoolgirl into a £1,200 per night call girl? Erm, £1,200.
Through the very latest telescopic photo lens, the News Of The World managed to capture the precise moment Rooney's hooker earned her £1,200
Before I begin, not for one second do I condone any man cheating on his wife. If the wife is pregnant with your child, even worse. Wayne Rooney is a dog. But there has been barely anything made of the prostitute who propositioned him, then told him it wouldn’t be free. The streets of Manchester and Kensington are littered with girls whose only ambition is to be bent over by a footballer. How did that happen? ‘Premiership Jen’, Rooney’s hooker, claims to have slept with at least 3 other Premier League players (incidentally, kudos on the usually classy [sic] Daily Mail for getting so much softcore porn into one article). So whilst all the news coverage has been focused on Rooney, his state of mind, and the chances of his marriage surviving, the only coverage of the other party has been voyeuristic. It’s a bit like the Deepwater Horizon disaster – very quickly coverage focused on the environmental impact, and the ensuing political soap opera, and the fact that 11 men died was quickly erased from the story. Just remember, next time you’re whining about how much money Wayne gets paid for nothing, that it takes two to tango.
And if you are gonna bang on about it, this is the way to do it:
Bollocks to Roger
As some of you may know, Roger Federer is categorically cunty. This is the real best tennis shot ever:
Inyourendo
Sexual innuendo is brilliant. Boring people would call me childish for laughing. Behave, I say. There is a very funny article on the Guardian website about this today – the comments section is bowstaff:
The definition of a lady is ‘a woman who only swears when it slips out’.
Pastor Terry Jones is a modern day menace. In a world where any fucking fool can get their face on TV, his threat to burn the Qur’an on the 10th anniversary of the September 11th atrocities has gained worldwide publicity. I’m sure that’s what he wanted in the first place – a bit of notoriety. But Terry will get something far worse. Terry will get people killed. The Daily Mash, despite often being farcical, has it bang on – US church looking to commemorate 9-11 by causing another one. This may be pushing it bit far, but who knows? Already there have been worldwide protests, and this is exactly the kind of ammo that jihadi recruiters could only dream of. Certainly, his posturing is not going to make the situation for troops in Afgahnistan any easier. It is not pushing the boundary so far to imagine a Taliban fighter recruited off the back of this act of idiocy killing one or more coalition soldiers. Would Pastor Jones accept blame for this? Would he fuck. He’s preaching the hate he wrongly accuses Islam of, and hopefully this is one fanatic who can be stopped before it’s too late.
Idiot #17
Michael O’Leary, welcome to the ranks. So, co-pilots are a waste of cash, yes? Want to do away with them, yes? What a load of bollocks. Mick uses the analogy of a train only having one driver, and that could crash too. Let’s have a look at this, shall we? Train – set on tracks that can only go one place. Plane – in mid air, no boundaries except fuel and gravity. Train – controls specifically designed to prevent catastrophe in the event of driver heart-attack. Plane – unexpected errors usually mean crash. Train – in accidents, the majority of passengers usually live. Plane – in accidents, the majority of passengers usually die. Go ahead, take away co-pilots, and by Murphy’s law, a plane will fall from the sky. Then Mikey will have 100 dead people and £1 billion of lawsuits to factor in to his cost saving. How’s it looking now, asshat?
Old Spice ad
Surely one of the best commercials ever. “I’m on a horse”:
Congrats, xx. They have won the Mercury Music Prize, and it’s hugely deserved. The album is brilliant, a real fusion of warmth and minimalism, and sounds completely different from anything else I’ve heard for a long time. This is how the album kicks off, and it’s all this good:
Football
England played 2, won 2. Played well with it. Destroyed a decent Bulgaria, and dominated for 75 minutes in testing conditions in Switzerland. The team looks younger, fresher, and is playing with an impetus that was sadly lacking in South Africa. Are we going to win Euro 2012? Probably not. But I’ll be there watching, maybe in the Goat, maybe somewhere else, every match that I can. Go team.
William Hague
Will, I’m officially part of team Hague, so please heed this advice – after the past few days you’ve had, don’t use the word ‘nailed‘.
I’m Still Here
Hoax? Documentary? Who cares. This new Joaquin Phoenix/Casey Affleck film looks brilliant:
In other news
-Scabby knee.
-iPhone on! Yuppee.
-Aero McFlurrys take the pain away.
Finally, a bit of Fleetwood Mac. This was in This Is England ’86, which was utterly fantastic. Shane Meadows, take a bow. Now, to the gang:
Morrissey has been at it again. In an interview for the Guardian Weekend magazine, he called the Chinese a ‘subspecies’ based on their animal rights record. It’s certainly not the first time he has courted racist controversy. He obviously feels very strongly about the welfare of animals, and was conveying his opinion of a country based on that, Â but taken out of context, the word subspecies is language you’d expect from the BNP. I don’t think Morrissey is a true far right sympathiser, but the phrases and terminology he chooses to use is not of this day and age. It’s antiquated, and wrong, and Morrissey should pack it in. I don’t want to think of one of the finest songsmiths of the 80s as a racist, but that will be the legacy he leaves if he doesn’t learn to control that silver tongue.
ELO RIP
In a bizarre musician death, Mike Edwards of Electric Light Orchestra has been killed by a massive hay bale. Here is ELO, including Mike on his cello, in happier times:
Space diving
This is unbelievably cool. Two people are racing to try to become the first human to break the sound barrier unaided. By jumping from a balloon that has risen to 120,000 feet, and freefalling for 5 minutes, Felix Baumgartner and Michel Fournier want to fly at 700 mph. It’s a pretty incredible story, and no-one knows what will happen if either man succeeds – fried brain? Bowel evacuation? Opening an interdimensional vortex? But none of that is as incredible as the fact that Fournier is 66. He could get a free bus pass, but instead he wants to hurtle towards the Earth faster than the speed of sound. What a hero.
X Factor
I refuse to watch X Factor. There is nothing redeeming about the show. Or so I thought. When I become Prime Minister, and propose compulsory sterilisation for certain sectors of society, and there is moral outcry, I will make the naysayers watch this video. And they will come over to the dark side:
In other news
–Grandma’s House is fantastic “He’s been made redundant? From the box company?” “Yes.” “What if someone needs a box?”.
William Hague is still a government minister following claims that he has been having an affair with a male special advisor. I, for one, am chuffed to bits. Hague is probably the best politician we have, and had he been leader of the Conservatives in May, there would be no coalition. The Tories would’ve walked the election. His time came way too early. These rumours are born out of speculation that has been doing the Westminster rounds for years about Hague and his sexuality, and seem to have gathered traction based on the fact that he shared a room with Christopher Myers, the aide who has since resigned due to the intense pressure of the situation. Now Hague’s judgement is being questioned for sharing the room. Yes, illicit lovers share hotel rooms. But are we so childish as a society that when two men share a hotel room our instantaneous collective reaction is “BUMMERS!”? Surely we could get past that. Sadly, Hague has now had to release a statement divulging details of the trouble he and his wife have had conceiving, as apparently no kids means surefire homosexual. Now, cynics will say that the affair was real, Hague’s statement was fabricated and a guilty man has got away with an extramarital affair. But *gasp* I trust Will, and I think the hounding by bloggers like Guido Fawkes was beyond the pale. Are you telling me if Hague was suspected of having a straight affair there would be this kind of vile shitstorm? Fuck off. These people should have a good, long look in the mirror, consider the hurt they have caused a (probably) innocent man, and microwave their testes so their sperm can’t fertilise an egg and spawn another twattasaurus equally as hateful as themselves.
Cool science
Another reason why science is awesome. What is the big blue splodge off the coast of Ireland?
Clue: not a smurf triathlon
Got it? It’s plankton. Even though they are microscopic individually, collectively the glow they create photosynthesising can taint the sea and be seen from space. SCIENCE IS FREAKING COOL.
The miners (not those ones, dirty paedos)
More miner news – I think there’s going to be alot of this until they get out. Apparently, their news might be censored to stop them getting depressed. These are chaps who have come to realise that they are trapped underground, still may not be rescued and have at least three months in their cave to get through before freedom. I reckon they can cope with ‘FOUR DIE IN BANK RAID’ if they’ve not strung themselves up already. Also being debated is the choice of entertainment to show the guys on their new projector. For God’s sake, don’t show them My Family or The Last Airbender – all hope will surely be lost.
I like this tramp
Also like Obama - 18% of Americans think I'm Muslim
–Genuine Palin quote – “If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?”. She could potentially run the free world. Very fucking scary.
Don't you have time to think? 