No shit Trumpballs

Well, duh

Note - Place of Birth is Honolulu and not Hades

Barack Obama has released details of his birth, namely his full birth certificate. This was necessary given continued speculation in America that he was not born in the US (the birthers believed he was born in Kenya, or Hell – really) or that, in the words of thunderdouche Donald Trump, “there’s something on that birth certificate that he doesn’t like”.

Trump is considering standing for the presidency in 2012. While he would have to defeat the ever-popular Sarah Palin for the Republican Party nomination, it’s not an impossibility that he could be president. After all, America loves the rich white man.

The problem is that neither Trump or Palin have any experience whatsoever, and seem to think that the size of ego and not intellect qualifies one for the White House. Seriously, Trump’s head is so big his hairpiece is now the second man made object visible from space. Watch this:

He’s “really honoured and really proud”. You got a man to casually waft a piece of paper, Trump. Woo fucking hoo. I really hope Obama gets his shit together and batters Palinosaur/Trumpballs to secure a second term. The thought of either of them with their finger on the button really does scare the pants off of me.

Phone hacking

Didn’t have Hugh Grant down as a post-modern genius. Then this emerged, and everything changed. Now there is a parody video to go along with it, and I think Mr. Grant is the bomb (incidentally, he’s bloody good in About A Boy too). Congrats:

Calm down dear

David Cameron is in a bit of hot water after telling a female MP to “calm down, dear”, a la Michael Winner. That’s funny! Where he got that reference from, I have no idea – he’s about 5 years too late. However, it’s entertaining, brightens up parliament and has given me an idea. Themed PMQs. Just think. Sombrero day. Talk like a robot day. Rubbish insults from old commercials day.

It would certainly distract from the dreary AV debate. I’m voting No. It’s a typical leftie idea, that no-one should lose and if you do you should have a chance not to. The Labour idea of opening up university to everyone, including those wishing to study Bedspreads and Flower Arranging, has resulted in monster fees to support the overstretched system. Now those same ideals are being applied to our democracy, and I don’t think it will work. Sorry.

Consuela

Fucking funny:

In other news

-What’s the Spanish for man up?

-Love Greek.

-Team Wills.

Tune:

Good luck kids.

Edinburgh

On top of Arthur

… and it’s 6 in the morning and it’s the weekend and it’s stupid o’clock and last night was fun but I’m feeling it now and in and out of the shower and tidying the flat and packing like a whirlwind and out the door and I have loads of time yeah? and WHAT THE FUCK THE DLR IS NOT RUNNING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH and taxi man how long to Kings Cross and 30 minutes is too long and £20 if you’re there by 7.50 and we’re bombing through the East End and I’m bricking it but calm and made it and you’re a bloody legend and run to get my tickets and 62jwftrb and on the train and miracles do happen and there’s my seat and Tony Blair and Delphic and coke and pain au chocolat/chocolate croissant/THAT ONE and twix and a nap and Newcastle and Durham and the sea and hello Scotland and that’s a big dark pointy thing and hello girls and crikey that’s a cast and the National Gallery has beautiful toilets and I’m a bit sweaty and M&S lunch and here comes Dave and hostel times and you’re not even a planet and embarrassing Dave with various Australians and you’re not even a planet and up to the castle and lots of men in kilts and Scottish shops and the Royal Mile and Richard Burns and the Castle and what a lovely day and dinnertime and the Grassmarket and a pint of Orkney Dark Island and hmmmm chocolatey and off to the haggis pub and we haven’t got a table yet but we will soon and we’re waiting and waiting and we’re next and can’t we just eat at the table and christ that took long putting off hunger with chocolate eclairs and haggis to start is like stuffing and salmon en croute is tidy and Porter’s pie is massive and hostel time and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and we’re all a bit sleepy and to bed and in the night an Aussie nearly drops a bag on my head and morning time and the shower goes freezing and a bit more book and some wandering around and and hiring an Insignia and Boots meal deal and saved £2.06 and by the column and paedo lens and the science exhibit and bye Helly and off to the voiture and vroom and this is quite nice and stop off at the hostel and fruit gums and on the road and a little sleepy and suddenly it’s rally style and sorry Sorrell and SHITTING HELL and maybe I’ll slow down and it’s beautiful round here anyway and reaching the destination and Bruce’s Stone and they lock their doors and it’s off for tea and cruising chavs and this place looks bangtidy and Scampi is in order and we’re off for the sunset and we probably missed it and up to the obelisk and loving the whale hill and the light is fading and I’m on Sorrell’s hand and my bum’s out and a Riley pic and lynx talk and hillbillies and there’s a star and there’s a satellite and that car’s stopped and OH MY GOD the lights have gone out and give me a torch Dave and this isn’t funny and finally lights on and there aren’t many stars and hometime? yeah and back to the car and someone else stops and let’s lock the doors and off home and a bit more sedate and Beatles singalong and drop off the car and I’ve left my wallet and Dave you twat and back to the room and sleep hits and up again and out the door and M&S lunch and it’s £10.80 and oops and the world’s best hot chocolate? and Holyrood and Arthur’s Seat and he’s quite big and this is fun and it’s getting windy and and to the top and christ it’s windy and no place for lunch and off the top and sitting down and lush sandwich and here comes rain and off the hill and wow there’s hail and Jedward thrusting and to the bottom and finishing lunch and doggies and girls walking on water and more hail and the hot chocolate is the worlds most average and gifts and gallery and of to see Robert Winstone and here we are and he’s right there and he’s bloody brilliant and Dave is being a fanny and the hottest tatties in town and you’re massive and tasty and I have a food baby and we’re going on the ghost tour and Liv is coming and 1-1 at pool and it’s chilly and Tron Kirk and Pizza Hut ruckus and hey Livvy and here’s Julia and cheers Pops Fawcett and AH HATE THE ENGLISH and put it away wanker and underground and torture chamber and screaming and Dave jumped on me and bye Liv and free Vodka and looong day and hostel time and last goodnight and Leri’s off early and brunch and sausage and bacon and back to Walter and on the bench and bye Sorrell and hello ladies and Waterstones and Topman and socks and bye Dave and on the way back to civilisation and what a bloody great way to spend the weekend with the best people in the world.

Give over

One fuck a game?

Pretty tame swearing

Wayne Rooney is going to get a ban for swearing down a camera in Manchester United’s 4-2 victory against West Ham. The ban hasn’t been ratified yet, but you can bet your bottom dollar one will be the result of his FA charge. His match-winning, hattrick-scoring performance has been forgotten, as he has been roundly vilified for his actions.

Despite promptly apologising after the game (and I can understand his heat of the moment argument – I’ve played football and said some truly disgusting things, that I’m not proud of, and would wholeheartedly recant after the final whistle), the age old bullshit about role models and what about the children? has been rolled out. Now, if you want to give your kids a role model who has worked tremendously hard to exploit a talent to its fullest potential, Wayne Rooney is perfect. If you’re looking for someone whom your children can look up to for virtuous guidance, he ain’t your man. You couldn’t find anyone more morally bankrupt.

But this rubbish about his responsibilities? Behave. The only responsibility here is with parents to teach their children right and wrong. If you don’t want your kids to see or hear swearing, then don’t left them watch football. It doesn’t have to be spat down a camera – I have lip-read the A to Z of a profanisaurus whilst watching the Premier League.

I can guarantee those children know those words anyway. Rooney said fuck twice – that is par for the course daily in playgrounds across the country. That’s not Rooney’s fault, it’s an inherent issue with our society.

He’s a victim of circumstance as much as anything. 20 years ago, there would never have been a cameraman, free to walk pitchside to get the best shots. That level of coverage and scrutiny is what the fans want, and then out come the moaners when a young man swears at work. If you can find me a 25 year old male who doesn’t swear at work, I’ll show you a liar.

At the end of the day, he was in the wrong. But get off the high horse. He’s human. We say naughty words, and do naughty things. And you’re a fucking idiot if this shocks you. And if that offends you, then you’re a daft fucking idiot to boot.

Hitler house

I’m sure this has probably seen by everyone, but it’s brilliant:

Adolf Hitler - A Swansea House

And as an extra treat – Elvis beetle:

Blue suede shoes - strangely absent

Oh dearism

So true:

Guess where I’m going this weekend?

Edinburgh. Good guess. I’m well excited, and if anyone has any boss ideas for places to go/see, let me know. Cheers kids.

In other news

-Day off on Wednesday, meeting Thursday. Good times.

–A really revealing perspective on rape.

-Interested?

The Vaccines album is really good, like Glasvegas if they were exposed to natural sunlight. Here’s a top one:

They better be at Glasto. With me. Oh yeah.