Lewis ‘Hoon’ Hamilton

Shouldn’t you be looking elsewhere?

"£288? I've had more expensive farts!"

Lewis Hamilton has been fined £288 for fishtails and burnouts outside the Australian Grand Prix. Why? I’m almost certain the trial cost more than that to run. Also, he’s a race car driver. If I could choose anyone to be fucking around in a car, it would be a professional driver. He should know what he’s doing. The magistrate Clive Alsop said Hamilton “was a role model for young people, and had a responsibility to set a good example”. Erm, I’m not sure I want my children idolising a guy who drives round and round in circles fast.

Actually, I’m being flippant. While I would love my children to win Nobel prizes, an international superstar isn’t all bad. Especially one who took a talent, and with the support of his family, become the best in the world at what he does, through sheer endeavour and effort. So Clive, lay off. Despite his fishtails and burnouts, Hamilton is still a bloody good role model.

More driving woes

Georgios Panayiotou, or George Michael to his mum, is possibly going to jail for reckless driving. Obviously, a prison full of horny buff men is the last place a homosexual man would want to go. Anyway, in the Evening Standard, they had pictures of the branch of Snappy Snaps George smashed into. There was the best bit of graffiti on the battered shopfront. Know what it said? Simply, ‘Wham’.

Simpsons

The Simpsons got tired when I was a kid. But watching it back now, some of the episodes are still very, very funny. My favourite moment ever – Smithers proclaiming “I LOVE BOOBIES!”.

Chris Morris

One of the many reasons why he is a fucking genius:

In other news

CIA spike drinks, town goes mad.

Happy birthday, Mr Connery.

Spot my lecturer!

Right, to bed. My right arse cheek hurts. Cheerio!

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