Car crash not cool

Thank you Police, not so much 999

Emergency? I'll be the judge of that

Last night my mum and I were in a car crash. It wasn’t a horrific accident, but it was bad enough to spin us round at 60 mph into a hedge. It shook up all of us involved, and the girl who caused it was distraught. However, everyone kept calm, and the police were fantastic. What wasn’t so great was being hung up on by the emergency services. Not what you expect when you call 999. Cheers for that.

Autotwats

X Factor is back. Whoopdefuckingdo. It’s about as welcome a return as that bout of herpes you thought had gone away. And now, the stellar singing competition that prides itself on the quality of the entrants (not their marketability, or sadness of their sob story) has been using Autotune in it’s broadcasts. Autotune is pretty self-explanatory. It turns shit singers slightly less shit. What’s the fucking point of the competition then? It seems that they should just save time, pick the buffest abs, biggest tits, cutest face and most chiseled jaw, autotune the fuck out of them and not bother with the competition. Of course, ITV would collapse and leave a black hole in it’s place, which wouldn’t be all bad. But then Simon Cowell wouldn’t have an outlet for his latest gang of wankstains. So go on Cowell. Autotune to your hearts content. Ruin music some more. Just remember – Rage Against The Machine autotuned jack shit.

9/11 pilots opening celebratory musical theatre show on the graves of every single victim

The dead terrorist pilots who flew the planes that crashed on 9/11 are to open ‘Mamma Mia’ style productions on the graves of every single victim who died almost a decade ago. ‘Abu Hamza’s Terror Bonanza’ aims to bring lightness to a touchy subject, and tell the events from the point of view of the terrorists. Glenn Beck shat himself when he found out.

Oh no, wait. All that’s being built is a community centre, a multi-faith place containing such bomb factories as a basketball court and a swimming pool. Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish. Fox will cause a second American Civil War, you mark my words.

Watches

I love watches. I could buy one a day for the rest of my life and not have enough. I want to start here:

Simple, clean beautiful. Like my undercarriage

In other news

Pope bans dogs. No word on vuvuzelas.

-Chilean miners have been found after 17 days underground. It’s going to take 4 months to tunnel to them. I think they’re going to get a bit horny, and when rescuers finally break through, they’ll all be found in one massive daisy chain. PS -I bloody hope this all ends well.

Paying for sperm? Happy days!

Right, have a butchers – via Beth (happy now?!):

And last but not least – what’s the difference between jam and peanut butter? You can’t peanut butter your cock up a girls arse. G’night.

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